tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12999275382252086532024-03-04T23:07:42.474-08:00Laughing All The Way...I went to school for Fine Arts. I'm an accomplished sketch artist, painter, photographer, writer, and designer. I'm gruff, rough, and kinda tough. So how the HELL did I end up working at Fiscal United Bank?
The following stories are all true accounts of the day to day insanity that I have encountered as a representative of Fiscal United Bank. Only the names and minor details have been changed to protect... well, to protect me from litigation, frankly.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-30821538958429222292013-07-09T08:46:00.001-07:002013-07-09T08:47:48.012-07:00Closing ShopSo it's been seven months since my last post. I am officially no longer associated with Capital One Bank. I am no longer in banking, either, apparently. I had a series of interviews with Astoria Federal Savings Bank for four separate positions in four separate branches, and was told that for each position, I had been the top candidate, but that the positions had gone to employees of the bank transferring to new positions. I have heard nothing back from any other bank (save a disastrous (in my mind) phone interview with Citibank). I have applied to (including those in Capital One Bank) over 40 banking positions with no success. I have had no luck obtaining employment in any other field, either. Looking for a job is now my only job.<br />
<br />
Despite the fact that I have a college education, an IQ that has tested over 130, and the kind of desperation that would keep me loyal to an employer for YEARS based solely on the desire to never have to file an unemployment claim again, I am, apparently, unemployable.<br />
<br />
The glow on the horizon is that Stonybrook University has posted three openings that entice me greatly.<br />
<br />
One is for a Part-time job as an Assistant Softball Coach. I was an assistant coach for five years at Southampton College, so I can do this. It doesn't pay as much as my old jobs, but it pays more than some of the jobs I have been forced to apply for already, and it is only part time.<br />
<br />
The second one is for a Full-time job as an Assistant Softball Coach. Just like the other one, but with more THERE-ness! It pays more than any other job I have ever had, and that excites me greatly. The concept of being involved with collegiate athletics again is one that fills me with great hope.<br />
<br />
The third one is as an Administrative Assistant for the Marine Biology building in Southampton. My second home! It would be great to get back to that campus, even under its new management, and I served as an Administrative Assistant there for a year in 2004-2005, so I know it is a job I can do.<br />
<br />
So I do have hope that I will soon be in a job that I love.<br />
<br />
But for now, I remain exhausted and in pain, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, ruined by a company that I gave six years of my life to and was thanked with a faulty handrail, 18 months of pain, and terrible uncertainty.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't sleep much. The heat of summer combined with the stress of unemployment and my lingering back pain keeps me up most nights. I see no point in maintaining a website that details the wacky hijinks of the banking world, because they no longer seem wacky. Or important. And I have been decidedly and thoroughly ushered out of that world against my will.<br />
<br />
I thank you, readers (assuming there are any left) for listening. I wish you all better luck than I have had, and greater rest than I have known. Thanks for stopping by.<br />
<br />
Bye!<br />
<br />
KennUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-84805262914160844262012-12-23T09:01:00.001-08:002012-12-23T09:19:16.632-08:00The Big RevealAs most of you already know, I'm Kenn Beck. As fewer of you already know, I'm also known as "The Average Joe of the Banking World."<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And Fiscal United Bank?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
That's Capital One Bank.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So every time you read a page of this blog and think "Wow, Fiscal United Bank sounds like a fucking nightmare," realize you're talking about Capital One Bank.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
In addition to all the posts you've read here, Capital One Bank has completely destroyed my 2012. I was poised to make 2012 my year, and through a series of events entirely out of my control, I am now unemployed, flat broke, in constant pain, and unable to buy Christmas presents for the people I care about. I have still yet to receive any official explanation to any of the following questions:</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
1.) Why was I passed up for several jobs that were posted on the company's job opportunity page without an interview?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
2.) Why was the Department of Labor informed that I quit my job in March?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
3.) Where did my missing vacation time go, and why was I told that I would only lose one week of it?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
4.) Why were they unable to find a position for one of the top Lead Tellers in the entire district, one who had been told by every level of management that spoke to him that he was doing a great job, and one who was hurt due to the negligence of his employer and was doing everything in his power to simply return to work, rather than contacting a lawyer the first day and attempting to sue them into oblivion?</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
So a great big FUCK YOU to Capital One Bank.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Any Capital One Bank Employees who wish to post here with their horror stories are free to do so. Any Capital One Bank Employees who wish to post here trying to defend the company as a good place to work, you are ALSO free to do so, but just realize that I am replete with holy fire and will just make you look like the foolish ass-licking company dog that you are, because not ONE SINGLE PERSON I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO PERSONALLY HAS ADMITTED THEY LIKE WORKING FOR CAPITAL ONE BANK.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Keep your eyes peeled for more updates. This site has now become my personal soap box to post anything Capital One Bank does to embarrass itself.<br />
<br />
It's all true, by the way. None of this is fabricated.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-25652533446051471432012-12-23T08:47:00.000-08:002012-12-23T08:47:11.033-08:00The Big Update
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
It has been almost two years since the Average Joe of the
Banking World has posted to this blog, but forgive me, dear hypothetical
reader, there's a reason for that. The best way to boil this down is to do a
quick recap via a timeline-like format: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
November, 2010: Our best teller accepts an offer from
another branch to become their Lead Teller. She is slated to transfer in
December. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December, 2010: Our Lead Teller informs our management team
that she is resigning, effective in two weeks. As our best teller, the most
logical successor, is already committed to another branch, we are left with no
Lead Teller. Our best teller stays far longer than her new branch would have
preferred while the management team searches for a replacement. Seeing the
writing on the wall in regards to my own position being downsized, I decide I
am the most logical candidate for the Lead Teller position. My Manager and
District Manager claim simultaneous epiphany on the same conclusion, proving
once again that no one can simply say "good idea." <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
January, 2011: I take over as Lead Teller for the
branch. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All of 2011: I rock that shit. Our Branch Annual Review
score goes up from a barely passing grade to a 95.4. Tellers are responsible
for exactly zero points deducted. Under the reign of King (Average) Joe the
Benevolent, tellers excel at meeting their incentive goals, moral soars, Blue
Point becomes the hub of banking civilization. I am told by my customers that I
run an efficient ship,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and that
they have complete faith in my leadership. I am told by my teller staff that
they like working with me. I am told on several occasions by my fellow Lead
Tellers that I am considered a leader among them. I am told by management that
I have found my groove. Somewhere in this time period, I inform the manager
that the handrail on the staircase is a little jiggly, and that maintenance
needs to fix it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Late January: Mid February 2012: One of my tellers leaves
for his dream job of becoming a NYC Police Officer. Then another leaves for an
accounting job. Then another leaves to teach. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Late February: Having to deal with the stress of finding
replacement tellers and operating at a constant short staff is wearing
thin. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
February 29, 2012: After a brief discussion with my
assistant manager in our basement-level break room, I am heading back up the
stairs when the handrail pulls out of the wall and I fall forward onto the
stairs, re-injuring my back. I am driven to the hospital after the pain does
not go away, and in fact, gets worse. The x-rays show no fractures of any kind,
no damage to disks. It is diagnosed as a severe muscle sprain. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Early March, 2012: I begin collecting Worker's Compensation
and begin going to physical therapy. Over the course of my treatment, I try
massage, electro-stim, chiropractic, physical therapy, heat, ice,
anti-inflammatory drugs, injections, and acupuncture.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
March 30, 2012: Somehow, Fiscal United Bank informs the
Department of Labor that I have quit my job. This lie would not become apparent
until much, much later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
May, 2012: After the required twelve week waiting period,
Fiscal United Bank begins searching for my replacement while I continue
therapy. I am assured that of the five weeks of vacation time I am due, only
one of them will be subsumed by my medical leave.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Late August, 2012: After months of painful treatment, my
back muscles are still in a state of near-constant spasm, but my pain levels
have decreased to the point where I am cleared to work with medical
restrictions in place (limited standing, limited lifting).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
September, 2012: I am informed that beginning September 1,
2012, I have sixty days to find a position within the bank or my employment
will be terminated. Time sheets are submitted on my behalf, as I am now being
paid by the bank once again. I apply to nine different branches.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mid-September, 2012: My first paycheck since my return is
pillaged by Fidelity Investments for repayment of loans against my 401K. I am
left with $12. It is revealed that this was done in error, and would be fixed
by the next paycheck. I apply to several other positions, having heard back
from exactly NONE of the original branches, and learning that our computer
system only allows candidates to be considered for one position at a time. I
correspond with my regional recruiter, explaining my situation, and she agrees
to informally send my resume to other branches that I have applied to.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Late-September, 2012: Despite the fact that I am still in
constant pain, and desperate to change my luck, I request to be, and am,
cleared to work without restrictions. I grow more and more curious at how
someone who has been told repeatedly how valuable they are to the company has
been passed up for several positions that have been posted as available.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
October 25, 2012: I finally get an interview for one of the
positions I applied for, in my old college town of Southampton. The
interviewing manager is one of my former co-workers from my very first branch,
and the interview goes well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
October 26, 2012: I am informed via email that I am being
passed up for the position in Southampton. I am also contacted by the manager
of the branch in my hometown of Manorville, requesting an interview that day.
Despite the short notice, I of course head over there immediately. The
interview goes relatively well, I feel.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
October 29, 2012: I am told the Manorville manager has a few
more candidates to interview, but that I should hear back from her within a
week. Hurricane Sandy hits Long Island.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
October 30, 2012: My sixty day window to find a position
expires. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
November 1, 2012: As I am still being considered for one
last position, I am officially placed on unpaid leave, and advised by HR that I
can apply for unemployment while on unpaid leave. I am also informed that
the branch is closed because of the hurricane, and it is unknown when it will
be re-opening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
November 12, 2012: I contact my recruiter and HR to
“check-in” regarding the Manorville position. I am informed that the manager is
on vacation, and she won’t be making her decision until next week. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
November 29, 2012: I contact my recruiter once again to
“check-in.” I am informed via a one-sentence response that she has decided to
go with another candidate. No further information, responses or contact have
been offered by the recruiter TO THIS DAY.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
November 30, 2012: I receive a letter from the department of
Labor that my unemployment benefits have been suspended due to the fact that
they have they received information that I “may have quit my job with [Fiscal
United] Bank on 03/30/2012.” Enraged, I fire off an email to my recruiter, my
former manager, and my HR contact informing them of this oversight, and ask
that they render whatever assistance is necessary to clear it up as soon as
possible. I request clarification about my official status, so I can go about closing
my 401K, applying for other jobs, claiming my personal effects from the Blue
Point Branch, and receive compensation for the remaining four weeks of vacation
time I am owed. I also inquire as to what severance I am due because of my
involuntary termination.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 1, 2012: I am officially terminated. So far, no
lawyers I have contacted have called me back.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 5, 2012: I am informed that I will not be eligible
for severance due to the fact that my position was not eliminated, it was
“back-filled.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 12, 2012: I am informed by Fidelity Investments
that I cannot close out my 401K because I am still employed by Fiscal United
Bank, and that there is a mandatory 30 day wait period from date of termination
for an employee to receive a payout of their 401K. I contact HR to find out
about what can be done to correct this additional oversight. I am informed by
HR that I do not have any vacation time left, as the medical leave absorbed all
but one week of it, and that I had used that week before being injured.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 13, 2012: I am informed by my HR contact that she
has taken steps to expedite the release of my 401K. I am informed by Fidelity
Investments employee Michael Itzo that the transaction did not go through
because of the mandatory 30-day wait period. My HR contact contacts Joe
Chermesino and instructs him to assist in putting the transaction through. I am
told by Michael Itzo that the transaction cannot go through on the current
business day, so that it will happen the next day, and that he will contact me
with the final figures. I am also told to expect the money to be deposited in
my account on December 19, 2012.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 19, 2012: Guess what?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 20, 2012: I contact Fidelity Investments to inform
them that they have failed to put the money in my account. I am told by Philip
Thibault that it did not go through because there is a mandatory 30 day wait
from day of termination to close my 401K. I contact HR, and they contact
Fidelity. I am assured by Philip Thibault that the problem has been resolved,
and that they are shipping the check to me next day free of charge, and that I
should look for it by courier on Saturday, December 22, 2012.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 21, 2012: I receive a fucking survey from Fidelity
Investments in the email asking how they did. I am too blinded by tears of
laughter to answer it that morning. I cancel plans for the following day to
wait at home for my check to be delivered so I can then deposit it and do some
late evening shopping for Christmas presents.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 22, 2012: Guess what?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
December 23, 2012: Today. I am unable to shop for Christmas
presents due to check being conspicuously absent. I now have to cancel plans
for tomorrow, Christmas-Fucking-Eve, so I can sit by my door and wait for a
package that according to the UPS website, HAS NOT EVEN BEEN PICKED UP YET.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So yeah, you’re up to speed. My time with Fiscal United Bank
is over. Which leads me to my next post…<o:p></o:p></div>
<!--EndFragment-->Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-64930745692258993452010-11-11T21:07:00.000-08:002010-11-14T21:19:21.658-08:00This Just In:I just learned from the tellers that they have been discouraged from talking to clients about our savings accounts because Fiscal United Bank is losing too much money. They want the clients to put their money into the non-interest bearing accounts instead. There is a corresponding drop in the rate on our best savings account.<br />
<br />
Just when I think Fiscal United Bank could not be more evil, they come up with new ways to surprise me.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-2730467835758342042010-11-04T21:05:00.000-07:002012-12-23T07:03:42.770-08:00We're On A Road To NowhereFiscal United's Unabashed Genius Department is at it again. We've each been tasked to set up our very own road-map to success! They want us to chart out how we plan on succeeding in the coming months and years to come!<br />
<br />
So of course, my first item on the list is:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Find a new job.</li>
</ol>
<br />
That, of course, is not what they mean. They mean how am I planning on succeeding at Fiscal United Bank. <br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people.</li>
</ol>
<br />
That's still not right. They want me to explain how I plan on succeeding at the job I am currently doing. Well, SHIT. I'm not entirely sure that's even possible, given the byzantine logic by which the company runs and abysmal morale it generates. But, despite what my manager Alice implies, I <i>am</i> a team player, so I will give this a decent shot.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></span></s> morons.</li>
</ol>
<br />
<br />
Oh, come on! This is impossible! Ninety percent of my day is filled with dealing with morons.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
</ol>
<br />
That will have to serve as a starting point. O.K., on to number two! Fiscal United, in typical fashion, has provided us an opportunity to set our own goals for success, provided they also encompass the goals that Fiscal United has set for us and nothing else. As such, they want to know what I will do to get to the arbitrarily set 751 incentive points it would take for me to get a bonus payout. So:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li>I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</li>
</ol>
<br />
What? It's true. I was placed on conduct memo for unprofessional behavior, sarcasm, brusqueness and foul language by a manager who routinely leaves work early to get to her son's hockey practice which is coached by her ex-husband, a man she routinely refers to as "fuck-face" in front of her staff. It just goes to show you, kids, you're only allowed to be unprofessional if the person you report to doesn't work in the same building as you.<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
Hey, you have to start meeting me half way on this. These are my goals, if I don't make them obtainable, I'm shooting myself in the foot, rather than allowing my employer to do it for me. Yes, I realize the branch benefits from my making my points as well, which is why I have always been trying in the first place. Really, all my effort is just so that everyone will shut the fuck up. The way everyone is screaming like raging harpies about these points, you'd think that all that stood between us and a dystopian apocalypse was the fragile bridge of points that RB's build every month. Still no good, eh?<br />
<br /></div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">,</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. </li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
This is a perfectly legitimate goal! How else am I expected to foist products on clients who don't need them? How else am I expected to get a person with six cents to their name to open a savings account? How else am I supposed to convince a guy with $350,000 in the bank that he needs an overdraft line of credit?<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
I said openly. Fiscal United encourages us to get a client to use as many services as possible so that it is harder for them to break their relationship with us. You heard that right, they are relying on the fact that the customer will not want to deal with the hassle of changing over their direct deposit to overcome whatever other bullshit we throw at them. You want to see a banker squirm? Ask him why they call things like direct deposit, online bill pay and overdraft lines of credit "sticky services." HINT: It has nothing to do with the fact that our district managers jizz all over the place whenever we sign a customer up for one of them.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass time wasting questions about shit they should already know.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
Because if I have to explain to my co-workers how to copy and paste one more fucking time, I am going to come into work with a samurai sword and flay them alive. For a guy that is always reminded by every level of management how replaceable he is, I sure see a lot of relieved faces when I come back from vacation and there are fifteen different fonts on the scheduling document. I guess because this is a work document, I need to be a little less acerbic?<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will hold the hands of the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s> dumb shits I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could easily discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence.</li>
</ol>
</div>
<div>
<br />
I occasionally get shit from my management team about asking too many questions. I needed to show more independent decision making abilities, I was told. So I can't ask how to roll someone's IRA over, something I was taught once three years ago and have used roughly once since, without being labelled functionally retarded, but if my assistant manager can't remember how to email an attachment, and if I tell her to go take some cyanide and do the gene pool a favor, suddenly I am a bad guy. Half the shit she's demanding I instruct her how to change the background colors on is shit she wouldn't have in the first place without me. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, don't "sleep under the very blanket of scheduling templates I provide, and then question the format in which I provide them!"<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
Had to add "probably," because some of the people I have worked with are monumentally and debilitatingly stupid. Also changed dumb shits to people for the sake of making the Christmas Party as non-awkward as possible.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br />
Because people like hearing positive things. Wait, I'm being told I can't use negative terms like demon spawn from Hell when talking about Fiscal United Bank. Other banks, it's ok. But not when discussing my employer. They said they're pretty sure it was in the employment agreement I signed. While I challenge them to find where it specifically states I can't refer to Fiscal United as "demon spawn from Hell," I do want to finish this up soon, so rather than a prolonged legal battle with HR, I will relent.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
</div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but </s></span>not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
That should clear that up. Wait, I should probably put something positive in that statement, something that shows we're more than just NOT a demon spawn from Hell.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but </s></span>not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
That shit is airtight, yo. What? They still don't like that I'm using demon spawn from Hell, even though I am using it to refer to other banks? Geez, picky picky.<br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">is</span></s> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have</span></s> has never maliciously murdered orphans <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">that we know of</span></s> in a manner that can be traced back to them.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
Oh, come on. You want sincerity? You want good feelings? Why the Hell are you reading this blog then? Fine, I will now say something about Fiscal United Bank that is nothing but nice.<br />
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">is</span></s> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have</span></s> has never maliciously murdered orphans <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">that we know of</span></s> in a manner that can be traced back to them.</li>
<li>I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.</li>
</ol>
<div>
<br />
Oh, right, I'm not allowed to lie.</div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<ol>
<li><strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">Find a new job.</span></span></strike><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span></span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">people.</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s> morons.</s></span> Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.</span></span></s> Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month<s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.</span></span></s> <s><span class="Apple-style-span"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.</span></span></s> without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.</li>
<li>I will <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">hold the hands of</span></s> assist the <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">chowderheaded</span></s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"> </span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb shits</span></s> people I work with with all of their <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">dumb-ass</span></s> ignorant <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">time wasting</span></s> questions about <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>shit they should already know</s></span> things they could <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">easily</span></s> probably discover <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence</span></s> themselves.</li>
<li>I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">is</span></s> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;"><s>a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but </s></span><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have</span></s> has never maliciously murdered orphans <s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">that we know of</span></s> in a manner that can be traced back to them.</li>
<li><s><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #e06666;">I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.</span></s></li>
</ol>
</div>
<div>
Done! Wow, I feel more successful already!!!</div>
<div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-7405066380678289542010-10-10T21:04:00.000-07:002010-11-14T21:04:53.705-08:00Job DescriptionBanker /bæŋkə(r)/ (noun): someone who convinces the customer to give their money to the bank hoping the bank will make money for the customer, while knowing the bank hopes the customer spends money they don't have so the bank can make money off of them.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-34524490987280779092010-09-22T21:02:00.000-07:002010-11-14T21:03:59.924-08:00How Much Is A Soul Going For Now-A-Days?I ask because I am currently selling mine for around $30K a year plus benefits, and I want to make sure I'm getting a good rate.<br />
<br />
Is it wrong that whenever I get home from work that the only thing I want to do is strike people repeatedly in the face with a tack hammer until their cake hole stops moving? I feel like my entire day is spent wondering how I could possibly gone so wrong to end up in such a soul sucking position in life. The company I work for continually and repeatedly does the wrong thing on every level you could imagine. Every one I speak to tells me a different way to do my job, and many of them don't know how to do their job effectively. Whenever I feel like I am not qualified for my job, I am assured that I am doing well, yet every time I do feel like I've done my job well I get informed that it's not good enough. <br />
<br />
I get told that whatever I thought I knew is apparently now wrong. When I complete my tasks quickly and efficiently, I get told that I'm not doing enough. When I take my time, I get told that I'm not doing my job right. I'm told that I need to curb myself, to suppress the thoughts and feelings that I have, while all around me, others complain freely and frequently. I get told I need to not care about my job so much, while all around me apathy and laziness run amok. I get told that I need to be more of a team player, while all around me, priorities are skewed. I get told to stop complaining, while all around me, discord and dissent hum like tracer bullets through the air. I get told I need to be cheerier, while all around me, threats of transfer, demotion, and termination waft like smoke, hanging over my shoulders like a shroud.<br />
<br />
It's impossible to get straight answers, fast answers, or correct answers. I get ignored by our HR department when I have a good question, and answered when I ask what I perceive to be a silly question. When they DO contact me with answers to my silly questions, it's some of the dumbest illogic I've ever seen (like them telling me we are open on Christmas Day when clearly, we are not). I'm constantly told one thing, and then hit with another. I can not bring myself to trust anyone, because no matter what I'm told, it ends up being steamrolled under by a new truth the minute it's decided the old truth is no longer convenient. When I do decide to do something selfless, I don't complain about the pain it may cause, because I did it to myself for what I thought was a good cause. But when I DO complain about tasks that cause me pain, I get told I'm "selective" about what hurts.<br />
<br />
Pain doesn't matter. Organization does not matter. Keeping a schedule does not matter. My opinion does not matter. My effort does not matter. My spirit does not matter. My complaints do not matter. My plans do not matter. My well being does not matter. My sanity does not matter. My comfort does not matter. All that matters is that I do what I'm told, when I'm told, and shut the hell up about it.<br />
<br />
The only thing keeping me in the soul crushing vice of bitterness and hatred I am in right now is that I might not find another job. Not that I am unemployable; I feel like my employer would be foolish to get rid of me, and I hear it to be true from many sources. But people way more qualified than me are still looking for work. I have considered going back to being a custodian. Let me reiterate that; I hate my job SO much that I have considered, seriously and often, going back to a job where cleaning up puke with sawdust is a possible- and PROBABLE- task. If my back weren't in such a state of constant pain, I would likely have applied for that and any number of other physically demanding jobs already. <br />
<br />
But I can't. My physical skills are hindered. My design skills are outdated. My phone skills are a matter for psychologists far wiser than anyone I work with to debate. And my people skills have been crushed to a fine talc by the oppressive weight of the hypocrisy of it all. So here I lie, trapped like a bug in sap.<br />
<br />
I am waiting for a spark. For a thin glimmer of hope. I am one fat hypnotherapist away from being Peter Gibbons. I am one unscrupulous diagnosis from being Joe Banks.<br />
<br />
With that, I leave you with Joe Banks as he leaves his own situation, in one of my favorite moments in movie history, and a moment I hope I can soon resonate with:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oGLKnAvzlg4" target="_blank">Joe quits</a>Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-9150374132443961742010-08-15T21:01:00.000-07:002010-11-14T21:02:16.933-08:00Blues TravelingSo in my work for Fiscal United Bank I have recently been shuttled back and forth between other branches, helping out when they have staffing issues (which is apparently more often than Mel Gibson has "telephone conversation recording" issues). There are two branches that I have been volleyballed back and forth between. One of them is about 10 minutes from my home branch, and one of them is about 10 minutes from my home.<br />
<br />
This is just a small glimpse of what is wrong with Fiscal United. I get travel expenses when I work at another branch. What they do is reimburse me for mileage traveled to the branch in question. The catch is that they compute the mileage from my home branch. <br />
<br />
I work 20 minutes from home, so when I go to the branch that is 10 minutes from my branch, I am actually traveling 30 minutes, and getting reimbursed for 10 worth of that in mileage, not time, or I would have perfected a route which took 10 times that long. Long story short: I work at the far branch, I get roughly $4.50. <br />
<br />
Now, when I work at the near branch, I get mileage from my home branch. I get roughly $9 for traveling to this branch, even though it is technically less than half the distance from my house that my home branch is. I could seriously get to the near branch in less time than it would take to listen to the full version of In A Gadda Da Vida (I could probably beat out Metallica's "...And Justice For All" if I make it through the lone traffic light along the way).<br />
<br />
POINT: The commute is good on the days I have to work at the near branch.<br />
<br />
Now, I believe I have mentioned that Fiscal United has a bizarre incentive system that all of us bankers have to operate by. I recently met with our district manager who mentioned how very important it is to make our incentive points. I have been told that Fiscal United prides itself that we aren't into pushing products, we're all about focusing on the customer's needs, and in the same breath, I'm being told that I need to sell more product. After being told that I need to make my points, by hook or by crook, I'm now being shipped to two branches that make the Grand Canyon look like Grand Central Station. There is NO WAY that I will be able to make my points, because the two branches I have been sent to are slower than my home branch, which is slow.<br />
<br />
Now, that's not to say I do nothing all day long. But in Blue Point, I am busy doing things that don't necessarily result in sales: re-pinning debit cards, ordering checks, reconciling check books, etc. These activities strengthen the customer's relationship with me, and therefore the bank, but technically, they do not generate income. According to Fiscal United, I am required to ask the seventy year old man with $100,000 if he wants to open another free checking account. According to Fiscal United, I am supposed to ask the nineteen year old girl going up to college if she needs a mortgage. According to Fiscal United, it's a good idea to ask a person with $300,000 if he wants to have overdraft protection. According to Fiscal United, I am obligated to ask the drunk derelict with thirty five cents in his account if he wants to meet with our financial advisors for a free analysis of his portfolio. <br />
<br />
I quote Dennis DeYoung: "I'm not a robot without emotion." Shit, even a robot would know better.<br />
<br />
So the near branch is having severe staffing issues. The four people who work on the platform have, within a one month span, all abandoned ship. They all moved on to other banks. Along with a great many OTHER employees in the company (gee, I wonder why). So I am starting to feel like the Titanic cello player playing "Nearer My God To Thee" while eyeing up that deck chair wondering how well it would float. This branch is slow with a capital SLOW. I have had lunch breaks with more human interaction than entire days there (and anyone who knows me knows I HATE talking to people on my break). So it is left to the staff filling in to explain to the client base that everyone they knew and interacted with is gone. So my conversations are trending towards ridiculous sound bytes like this:<br />
<br />
"Yes, the Manager, Assistant Manager, the Full-Time Banker and Part-Time Banker all decided that they didn't want to work here anymore, all at roughly the same time. Would you like to put some more of your money in our vault?"<br />
<br />
Not exactly, but you get my drift.<br />
<br />
Now, don't get me wrong, I like money. And getting incentive payouts would be neat. But I refuse to do anything that's not going to help my clients just to help myself. One of my contemporaries came up with a highly ingenious (and highly immoral) solution to the pressure to reach her incentive goals; she convinced clients who were opening accounts with large deposits to open SEVERAL accounts with smaller deposits. Picture this: you go into a garbage pail store looking to buy a fifty-five gallon garbage can, and the salesman instead tries to convince you that eleven different five gallon buckets are actually the way to go. Yeah, it's down to that now.<br />
<br />
Our bosses are constantly screaming for us to open two checking accounts a day. Even if people don't NEED them, we have to try to convince them that they should open them. Because if we don't, there will be trouble. Just shy of dropping bear traps out on the sidewalk and only releasing my prey if they promise to open up a checking account (I also offer antiseptic ointment and a sterile bandage if they pay two bills online), I'm at a loss to explain how we can accomplish this every day.<br />
<br />
Even through all of this, I will STILL ASK if they would LIKE to open a checking account, or a savings account, or a debit card, or online bill pay, because shit, you never can tell. And I have convinced clients that were dead set against opening up savings accounts of the benefits of keeping their money with us. But if they say no, then the answer is, to me (and anyone even moderately sane), "no."<br />
<br />
Which brings me back to the far branch. The manager there is, for lack of a better (and less indicative of psychosis) word, aggressive. I have, on more than one occasion, returned to my desk in the middle of helping a client who has already expressed vociferously their lack of desire to open a savings account, only to find this manager attempting to badger them into opening a savings account. To the point where the client was ready to walk out. And savings isn't even the product we're being nagged into pushing. She is constantly pressuring. A client came in to ask for a bank check, she had me ask them to open a business checking account, even though they already had an established business account in another bank. The client was perturbed by these efforts. He was not alone. On top of all this, it's so slow at this branch that on days where I was the only account opening entity, I actually earned LESS points than I do on an average day at my home branch.<br />
<br />
POINT: I don't like working at the far branch.<br />
<br />
There are rumors circling like vultures on a warm savannah updraft about Bankers who are being transferred against their will if their branch is not consistently making their points. My branch is featured in one of those rumors, and me being the junior banker, I'd likely be the one getting the relocationary boot. I've been advised by contemporaries to find a good branch before they transfer me to a bad branch. So it seems that I can do nothing right, because I have failed to reach their arbitrary incentive goal (which, honestly, why call it "incentive" goals when it's more like "forced death march" prevention?) and they're reprimanding me for not selling more product to people who clearly don't need it, yet now I am likely being transferred to another branch where I am that much more certain to never meet the incentive goals?<br />
<br />
I'll take "Self Defeating Plans" for $400, Alex.<br />
<br />
So I naturally went online to put in a request to post for an open position at the near branch. Except there are no positions listed. It's as if they'd prefer to leave it drifting, a ghost branch, haunting the back roads of the Eastern End of Long Island. Instead, I sent an email to my district manager requesting that, if I was to be transferred, as the rumors suggest, that I be sent to the near branch, as it is a better situation for me. I have yet to hear back, although I was, coincidentally enough, intercepted on the way home from the far branch via text message and ordered to report to the near branch for three days of assistance.<br />
<br />
So, if Fiscal United continues on as they have, I will be transferred to another branch, fail to make my incentive goals yet again, and eventually be terminated (occupationally, not literally, I don't think they have that kind of authority... yet). Then they will have to transfer some other poor schmuck to the depths of Hell, and then fire him. <br />
<br />
Are they curious, I wonder, why people are leaving in large numbers for other banks?<br />
<br />
More importantly, does anyone know "Song d'Automne" arranged for a slightly damp cello?Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-40755274711908069382010-05-28T21:00:00.000-07:002010-11-14T21:00:50.700-08:00Maybe We Can Date A Bit First?OK, so I am a firm believer that good deeds get rewarded. Maybe not right away, but somewhere down the line, it gets back to you, or as an intelligent co-worker who only occasionally says the silliest things once said, "it gets paid in reverse, you know, the opposite of paid forward?" Some may pronounce that "paid back," but I digress.<br />
<br />
I pulled into work and emerged from my jeep, locking the doors and heading towards the building. A derelict looking dude walking in the opposite direction says "hey," to me, so I look over.<br />
<br />
"You got a quarter?" he asked.<br />
<br />
Now, I've heard this scam a thousand times if I've heard it once. 'I'm short on gas, and I don't get paid until tomorrow,' they say, or 'I haven't eaten in two days,' or 'I'm trying to get home to see my kid.' This guy was likely just seeing if he could get lucky by hitting random saps with a simple question.<br />
<br />
I turned and went back to my jeep. Sensing my intentions, the man shifted gears. "I'm just trying to get seventy five cents, I've been up and down this street all morning, I just need a break." I reached into the large travel mug I keep in the cup holder and grabbed for whatever change my hand found. I came out with $1.25 in quarters and a few pennies. I'm not gonna miss it. If it makes someone else's day, might as well, right?<br />
<br />
"Here you go," I say, handing him all the change. The pleasant surprise on his face was classic. <br />
<br />
"Thanks," he said smiling. <br />
<br />
"Have a good day," I say, locking my jeep again.<br />
<br />
"You have a better one," he countered.<br />
<br />
"Thanks," I answer, turning to walk back to the bank.<br />
<br />
"Hey, are you married?" he asks.<br />
<br />
"Nope," I reply.<br />
<br />
His face loses some of it's glee. Clearly he was hoping for a yes. "Got a girlfriend?"<br />
<br />
"Nope," I reply. <br />
<br />
Again, you could see this man was confounded a bit. "Well," he finally said after a second or two of contemplation, "I hope you meet one tonight that blows the shit out of you."<br />
<br />
So I got THAT going for me. The homeless grifter of Blue Point is praying for my (oral) sex life. What else could a man need to succeed in the world?Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-31334143132325250102010-01-07T20:59:00.000-08:002010-11-14T20:59:45.466-08:00Define Irony:We have a gateway into our intranet that is called SSO (Single Sign On). It is designed to allow access to all of our systems with one sign-in.<br />
<br />
We have to sign into it twice.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-81393895740527787682009-12-18T20:57:00.000-08:002010-11-14T20:58:48.333-08:00Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It SN-OH, MY BACK!A blizzard is on it's way to the Northeast, and I for one could not be more excited. I am in the minority that loves a good snowfall. While everyone else is cursing and spitting at me, I smile gleefully and watch the white drop from the skies. I am pretty good at predicting snow, sometimes days in advance, because my back and knees hurt much more with the change in weather. The joke around the branch is that I have weather control powers, because when I knew it was going to snow, I would hold out my hand and say "SNOW!" and usually within an hour or so, the flakes would start.<br />
<br />
My manager is also a bit of a barometer when it comes to foul weather; if she takes a spill, you know snow is on it's way. She's sort of like the groundhog; when Alice sees the ground up close, Winter is here. It only helps my glee that I have a nine day weekend coming up. Some nice snow, a family Christmas party this Saturday, going to see Wintuk on Sunday, and then a week leading up to Christmas! Who could ask for more?<br />
<br />
And as an extra added bonus, my cashmere scarf rubbing against my waterproof jacket in the ice cold air is making for a spectacular electrical discharge every time I touch anything metal or anyone, including our tellers. They call me... THE ZAPPER! K-POW!<br />
<br />
As Krusty the Klown says, everyone have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hannukah, a Krazy Kwanza, a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn and dignified Rhamadan!Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-80245505302507152002009-12-17T20:56:00.000-08:002010-11-14T20:57:13.443-08:00Peer PressureToday, I journeyed to our branch in Ronkonkoma for something called a Peer Meeting to review something called Best Practices with something called the GAIN model. It was a welcome change of pace and very informative!<br />
<br />
The day lead off with a conference call with our Northeast Branch Distribution Market Executive, Nick Oaks. In it, they thanked us for our continued efforts, and recognized one of our New York City branches for their performance during a visit by our CEO. It was refreshing to hear a branches efforts recognized individually. The call also detailed what's coming for the first quarter of 2010. It was nice to be able to hear Mr. Oaks speak, he seems like a very personable guy who genuinely cares about the people who keep this company running smoothly.<br />
<br />
The session was lead by Relationship Bankers from a variety of branches in our region, some of whom came in during their scheduled vacations to share with the rest of us what has worked for them with the new GAIN training. It was a forum in which we could share our successes (successful "pen in eye" surgeries) and air our grievances (like the lack of a hot tub and/or massage therapist in our branch).<br />
<br />
It had the feeling of an informal brainstorming session, and the fact that it was people who walk in our shoes everyday giving the talk really sent it home for me. These aren't people who haven't worked in a branch for years (or in some cases, ever). These are the people fighting the same fight I fight every day, and to hear that not only do they sometimes have the same problems, but that they are able to craft solutions and share them, it really gave me a boost.<br />
<br />
I have been doing pretty well with the GAIN myself, though I still haven't been close to making my numbers, and the only low point of the day was a few people insisting that no matter how slow or small our branch is, so long as we correctly profile, we will make our points. I have never been told that I am doing my profiling incorrectly, and I have been embracing the GAIN training whole heartedly, yet I have not once made my points. Is it my breath? My cologne? My incoherent mumbling and twitching? For them to insist it must be that I am doing my profiling incorrectly was irksome, but I took a lot of tools away from this meeting that will enhance what I've already been doing. It's like learning a new grip on the bat; maybe you already knew how to hit a baseball, but hooking your lower pinky around the knob of the bat handle could add another few MPH to your swing (true, by the way; it makes you turn your wrists over during the swing).<br />
I look forward to the next Peer Meeting, and especially to the free breakfast that they provided (us fat guys loves our free meals).Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-51203928335665939492009-12-15T20:53:00.000-08:002010-11-14T20:54:00.220-08:00It's Fiscal United Bank Pulling A Holiday Prank...It's Fiscal United Bank Pulling A Holiday Prank... <br />
<br />
I broke my self-imposed work blog retirement to post the following:<br />
<br />
We received a list of holidays for 2010. Christmas is listed as being observed on Friday, December 24th, 2010. Not trusting the obvious, and despite the fact that everyone in the branch said it was a stupid question and were confident we would also be closed Christmas Day, I sent a missive to HR to check if the bank would also be closed on December 25th. AMAZINGLY, I received a reply that no, indeed, the branches would be open Saturday, December 25th, 2010.<br />
<br />
One of these three things must, therefore, be true:<br />
A.) Individual members of our HR Department just make up answers off the top of their head without consulting anyone in charge of deciding such things;<br />
B.) They're letting some holiday slide rule generate our holiday schedule without taking common sense into account; or<br />
C.) Fiscal United Bank plans on being open on Christmas Day. Let me re-emphasize that. Open on CHRISTMAS DAY.<br />
<br />
This reminded me of the July 4th mishap this summer, where we received memos and window clings stating we would be closed on Friday, July 3rd, and OPEN on Saturday, July 4th. We were told, within a few days, that we should throw away the window clings, and that we would be open on July 3rd and closed on July 4th. I have to assume that this story will end in a similar manner, and that they will send us a memo with a good natured chuckle and say "yeah, we're not actually gonna be open CHRISTMAS DAY. Just funnin' ya."<br />
<br />
But that still belabors the question, WHY would this even be suggested? Who is actually going to truck into work at a BANK on CHRISTMAS DAY? Moreover, WHO NEEDS a bank open Christmas Day? Even TD NORTH Bank is closed then, and they're stuck open for eternity.<br />
<br />
Silly, silly stuff. Just goes to show you, A.) be sure to read your daily updates, and B.) there ARE no stupid questions.<br />
<br />
Eagerly looking forward to see how Fiscal United Bank resolves this one :)<br />
<br />
And this is what my audience had to say...Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-18717036138326850942009-11-12T20:52:00.000-08:002010-11-14T20:52:55.125-08:00The Good OnesAs much as I am not enamoured with every customer that walks through our door, I have to tell you, there are some that are really wonderful. There really is something refreshing when someone comes into the branch, sits at my desk, and leaves after only a few minutes, smile on their faces, problems solved. It really makes the day worth while.<br />
<br />
I love helping people. I love it when someone is able to leave better than they came in. I'm a sucker for a pretty girl crying, and when I'm able to offer them a tissue and a ray of hope, and they leave thinking everything is going to be alright, it just makes my day.<br />
<br />
I love the old ladies who call me sweet potato just for giving them their account balances. I love the old guys who let me call them by their first name, but thank me for calling them by their last name. I love the young ladies who think I have been in the banking world for 100 years. I love the guys who look to me to advise them on the best way to save their hard earned money.<br />
<br />
Not every client is fun. But there are some that make my job worth doing.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-87072154444073247492009-09-04T20:51:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:51:32.391-08:00Jane Sykes, Chapter Six: In Which We Learn To Keep Our Backs To The Wall At All TimesThere are moments in everyone’s life that could be in a movie, no editing needed, presented as real as if it were actually happening, that audiences would eat up with a knife and fork. Some people have maybe a pair of these moments in their entire life, some people are pretty much Forrest Gump. <br />
<br />
I am more of a Forrest Gump type. This is one of my moments.<br />
<br />
RB: “Thank you for calling Fiscal United Bank, this is your Relationship Banker speaking, how can I help you?”<br />
<br />
JS: “Yes, this is Jane Sykes, I have several accounts in your institution, and I always call and talk to you.”<br />
<br />
RB: “Yes, of course, how can I help you?”<br />
<br />
JS: “What’s the number of the insurance place?”<br />
<br />
RB: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what insurance place you’re talking about. Let-”<br />
<br />
JS (interrupting, nearly shouting in a slow, garbled choke): LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW!<br />
<br />
RB (eyes wide, slowly turning, screeching horror music playing in my head, expecting to see a hideous apparition of Jane Sykes floating outside my window with a butcher knife): “Um…” (seeing the window with the insurance place’s number printed on it across the street ) “Oh. 555-3262.”<br />
<br />
JS: “Thank you, darling.” CLICK<br />
<br />
Coming soon to a theatre near you.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-11574961311284271312009-09-03T20:48:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:49:14.328-08:00Hello Valued Customers!Hello Valued Customers! It is our pleasure to help you! Please follow the guidelines listed below to make our time together as efficient and smooth as possible!<br />
<br />
A.) Have your money COUNTED when trying to open an account with a $4,000+ wad of mixed bills;<br />
<br />
B.) If you actually just bring in a wad of uncounted bills, kindly hand them over to the banker for counting, rather than counting the bills one at a time while they are still rubber banded; <br />
<br />
C.) Have said wad of bills separated into denomination rather than crammed together in a roll in no discernable order;<br />
<br />
D.) Tell the nice banker trying to open your account the TRUTH when it comes to how much you're depositing for the opening deposit, instead of just inventing a number;<br />
<br />
E.) Please stay at the desk while someone is spending their valuable time helping you, don't wander into the parking lot;<br />
<br />
F.) "Sign here" means "sign here," not "stare blankly at the form before ignoring it completely and moving on to another piece of business";<br />
<br />
G.) If you hear the phrase "supposed to go to lunch," uttered by the employee or anyone talking to the employee in question, it's alwasy a good idea to keep it brief;<br />
<br />
And H.) Don't, above all else, then imply to the person who is helping you that the only reason you opened the account is because you assumed you could use it to circumvent tax law by shifting money from your business account to your personal account (Just a pointer).<br />
<br />
These little tips should keep us all smiling! Thanks, and have a Zero Problems kinda day!Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-20721977312394982802009-08-25T20:38:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:40:25.076-08:00Mum's The WordSeeing as how the entirety of Western Civilization was falling because of the contents of my work blog (a.k.a. HR got their panties in a bunch because they are too thin skinned to accept a little parody), I decided to call it a wrap on the Average Joe. Here's what the post said:<br />
<br />
"Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback. However, some people have found my posts to be somehow offensive. Seeing as how I had no idea that what I was posting could possibly be offensive, it becomes clear to me that I have not yet refined my senses enough to know what is considered offensive. Rather than run the risk of offending anyone else, I will simply doff my cap, take a small bow, and step quietly out of the blogosphere. All my best, folks!"<br />
<br />
And here's how my audience responded...Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-53004428488552589302009-08-25T17:47:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:48:00.091-08:00GAIN and GROWTH, Day OneSo I've ALREADY screwed up.<br />
<br />
The first day with the new G.A.I.N. model (heretofore de-acronymized to GAIN) and I've already botched things up. My first client, and I forgot to use the profiling sheet. I managed to fill it out after the fact, but I'm nervous now. I was okay with this last week, before we actually had to do it, but now, in crunch time, I'm folding like an origami laundromat holding a 2-7 offsuit.<br />
<br />
Don't you hate that? I had all sorts of time to come up with questions during training, but I thought I had a handle on it. Now, I look at the sheet and I feel like I am missing the glasses that Nicholas Cage had in National Treasure. What are we supposed to put in the Greet box? That we greeted them? Yes? Check mark? What we said? How they responded?<br />
<br />
Now that I feel like I am under a microscope, I am floundering.<br />
<br />
Eh. I'm frazzled anyway these past few weeks. All I know is in 2 weeks, I am gone for a week long road trip to God knows where. Gonna Kerouac it for a few days.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-82585233544413668592009-08-11T20:33:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:35:12.760-08:00The Time Travelers Product Review: You Save CheckingGreetings, denizens of yesteryear! I have traveled back from 21 days in the fantastic future to give you a glimpse of your destiny! I went into a branch and listened to customer feedback concerning your new You Save Checking product. Here's how it went down:<br />
<br />
========== <br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "So if you're interested, let's just get a retinal scan,* and we can start opening the You Save Checking account."<br />
*(By the way, not to give up too much, but there are BIG changes coming in the next week or so, people. BIG.)<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Before we do that, let me get this straight: I spend $4.33, and you will take .25 from my checking and move it over to my savings?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Indeed."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "So my account will be charged $4.58, and .25 of my money will be put into my savings."<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Correct."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "That sounds confusing. Don't other companies usually just round up to the nearest dollar?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Affirmative."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "But you don't do that, it's just .25 every time?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "So what if that .25 will overdraw my account?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Then no transfers will happen that day."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "None? They get done all at once? So even if I did 100 debit card purchases, if that 100th purchase would move .25 out of my account and cause an overdraft, then the first 99 transfers don't happen?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "They do not."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Then what's the... agh, never mind. (shakes head) So, the bank will match my transfers, right?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes, 100%."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "That's awe-"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "For the first four months."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Oh, well, that's-"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "If it's a new account. If you convert your existing account, it's 10%."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "New account? But I already-"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And only up to 10 Bill Pays."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Alright, I get it, I get it! Still, the fact that you will match my transfers, and help me save towards the future, that's fantastic. Sign me up for a new account! This will serve as a great compliment to my Incredible Incentive Checking."<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Clients can only have one premium account type each."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "So I have to open a new account, a new number to memorize, to get the maximum benefits, but my existing account then loses it's ability to generate it's own benefits?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can convert an existing account."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "But I lose 90% on my transfer matches for the first four months."<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And you forfeit any incentive points already earned."<br />
<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Forfeit- O.K., so converting the account is not going to happen. And if I open a new account, I have to cancel my Incentive Checking anyway."<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Aye."*<br />
*(In the future, we're prohibited from answering questions with the same answer more than once. Otherwise, it might appear impersonal.)<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "Is there any way I can keep my Incentives AND open a You Save account?"<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can have your wife open up the You Save account with her as the primary account holder."<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: "I'm not married."<br />
<br />
Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "How soon can you remedy that?"<br />
<br />
Futuristic Customer: (shakes head) "Is there a Bank of Amexicanada* around here?"<br />
*(BIG changes.)<br />
<br />
=========<br />
<br />
So you see, citizens of August 11th, 2009, the future is a fantastic place, full of mystery and wonder! Be ever vigilant, and keep your eyes to the skies!<br />
<br />
This message brought to you by Fiscal United Bank, N.A., a division of Pepsi-Cola.*<br />
*(BIIIIIG changes.)Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-55042630376625168492009-08-06T20:29:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:30:35.546-08:00Sale-ing... (Takes Me Away To Where I've Always Heard It Could)Pardon the Chris Cross paraphrase (as opposed to Kris Kross (their music makes me wanna... Jump, Jump (off a building))) but sales are on my mind lately. We're closing in on the finish or our sales incentive drive. We need four more accounts to reach our goal, at which point we will receive $500 cold, hard cash. NICE.<br />
<br />
I like money. That's not the reason I work for a bank (that story will be coming soon to a theatre near you: "Escape from Retail Shoe Sales!"). I just really like having money, it makes it much easier to get stuff.<br />
<br />
I'm starting to get used to this GAIN stuff they're going to teach us. The hardest part is small talk. I can't just instantly pick a topic (they've told us to stop using the "how about this weather?" crutch) and run with it. My instinct is to just get to the point and ask "how can I help you today?" And I'm not getting much chance to practice small talk, because most fo the clients I've helped this week have led with "I need to open a checking account." When they jump right in, wouldn't it be best to go with it rather than try to divert them back to small talk?<br />
<br />
So it's raining again, and I'm starting to think this entire summer will be a waste. We haven't had consistently nice weather yet this summer. What's with all the rain? I remember there being entire summers where it was nice and pleasant. Now, I can't remember three days in a row without some sort of inclement weather. And I'm getting a little bitter about it. It's part of the reason my former girlfriend is leaving the state (I feel funny calling her an ex when we're still friends).<br />
<br />
After realizing I may have set a record for use of parenthesis in a single blog post (I mean, seriously) I think it's time to do some work. Hoping to get four more accounts today, as much as that will be a LOT of work, so we can stop worrying and start planning on how to spend our $500 (my money is going towards new tires for the Jeep).<br />
<br />
Have a great day, fellow Fiscal Uniters!Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-68835372530605217972009-08-01T20:28:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:28:42.938-08:00Nerd HumorMy favorite nerd joke: There are 10 types of people in the world... the ones who understand binary, and the ones who don't.<br />
<br />
<br />
Co-worker submissions:<br />
<br />
<br />
Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25. (I think hexadecimal comes into play here, or something.) <br />
<br />
<br />
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!<br />
<br />
<br />
What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium <br />
<br />
<br />
What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking? In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-19566710284602587422009-07-30T20:26:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:27:40.485-08:00Here We Go A-G.A.I.N.So yesterday I went to the big top secret G.A.I.N. (Greet, Assess, Inform, Next Steps) training. I say top secret because every time I asked someone higher up about the training, they would only tell me "I can't tell you anything about it" (as if it was KFC's secret recipe or something).<br />
<br />
Well, I'M gonna tell you about it.<br />
<br />
Our trainers were nice, if a bit too over-energetic. Basically, the training enforces behaviors many of us are currently engaged in, like shaking hands, greeting the client with our name and getting theirs, assessing client needs and explaining products. But it shifts the focus onto the client and their needs, and will not be so product driven. We're being transitioned into almost sort of a financial counsellor role, rather than pushing the "hot product," which is a change I am excited about. I hate having a client come to me about savings and ending up trying to sell them Incentive Checking account because if I don't I might not make my incentives (more on that another day). Now, we're going to be encouraged to analyze our client's needs and recommend the right product, which technically, we have always done, but the focus is more on the client rather than the product.<br />
<br />
There are some parts of the new methodology I am not thrilled about. We're being "strongly encouraged" (I won't say "forced") to continue to engage in lengthy small talk before recommending products to probe for information, walk the client to the door, and then continue our computer wrap up before helping the next client. I think a few of our more impatient clients will take issue with some of that, but part of the training is also for us to "retrain" our customers to expect that kind of personalized care every time. I understand all of this.<br />
<br />
Seems like Fiscal United Bank is trying to make everything very formulaic in an effort to make things more personal. Hey, whatever's clever. I think that all the INTENTIONS behind the new processes are solid. Just seems like Fiscal United is taking out any wiggle room for personal style that we may have to our job.<br />
<br />
Most of my clients love me. I have build great client relationships doing what I do, and it never involved forcing "small talk with a purpose," ignoring my computer for the first 70% of the customer interaction, or taking my time walking people to the door rather than helping the next client. I'll do what's necessary to toe the line, but I can't see how this forced approach is going to help my clients more than me being genuine with them.<br />
<br />
But back to the training. It seemed to me like the biggest gaff came when they asked us what we were happy about and what we were concerned about with the new methodology. Most (if not all) of the people in our group expressed concerns about walking clients to the door, especially while other clients were waiting in the lobby. I was one of the more vocal detractors of this practice for a variety of reasons. It seemed to me that the trainers were trying to assuage my hesitancies (and those of my fellow classmates) in one sentence explanations, and then asking if I was OK after each sentence. After a few minutes of that not working, one of the senior trainers rather brusquely stated that we were spending an inordinate amount of time on the subject and wanted to know what the real issue was. I explained that I was willing to drop it and move on for the sake of expediency, but that I remained unconvinced of the necessity of such a step.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, if it wasn't for my back being a trainwreck, I'd be walking them out to the parking lot if it was what's required. As it is, I have a medical exception excusing me from any standing, so I'll need to work that much harder to make them feel at home without walking them to the door, but I am up to that challenge (I feel pretty successful at that as it is). But that doesn't mean I don't find the practice questionable. They asked if we had concerns, not if we were going to committ mutiny. I felt like I was being asked for my opinion, being told I was wrong, and then asked for my opinion again, and being made to feel like I was a bother when I gave the same opinion. I'm sure that's not what her intention was, but I felt like she was invalidating my opinion.<br />
<br />
I think the training will lead us towards being a better bank as a whole, but so long as Fiscal United Bank is locking us rigidly into a scripted approach with no room for improvisation or personalization, it'll be a rough, jerky, awkward ride.Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-25102340663891257512009-07-22T20:25:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:26:18.624-08:00At Work At The Bank At Work... At The Bank... At Work?So today, my wonderful counterpart Sherry and I headed to one of our business client's places of business to try and drum up some business. We basically went to allow people to open an account without ever stepping into the branch. I was a little nervous, frankly.<br />
<br />
Despite the fact that I was a public address announcer for the athletic teams at my beloved Alma Mater, Southampton College (formerly run by the soulless nest of succubi known as Long Island University, now run by the Sainted Angels of Stony Brook University), I have a bit of a problem with public speaking. There's a difference between yelling incoherent sports blurbs into a microphone in a cacophonous gymnasium (Three! Guy Incognito!!!) and addressing people in a personal setting. Even people who come into the bank, whom I know are seeking my help, give me a little bit of a quease.<br />
<br />
When it's people who I am approaching unsolicited, I get very, very nervous. I am especially nervous over the phone. FACT: I have a small sticker on my monitor that reads: "Thank you for calling Fiscal United Bank, this is your Relationship Banker speaking, how can I help you" because sometimes, I get a bit flustered, and reading it helps the delivery a bit.<br />
<br />
I have a bit of a nervous stutter. Don't get me wrong, I don't sound like the guy from Ally McBeal or the co-counsel from My Cousin Vinny (interesting how both my stutter examples are from legal shows/movies... hmmmm... ) but I trip over my tongue. A LOT. My manager won't send me on call nights, because the one time I was scheduled, I didn't sleep the night before, knowing I would have to call people and interrupt their dinners. I despise telemarketing, and that's exactly what I was being asked to do. When she saw me walk in that day, she sent a teller instead.<br />
<br />
So I am having mixed emotions about this "Bank at Work" thing. I fully understand the whole concept, and the benefit of performing such a service. Doesn't mean that my stomach isn't doing backflips over it.<br />
<br />
The punchline here is that we got there and no one came to us. We stood there for about 5 minutes, and the owner of the business said "sorry, we didn't have any takers."Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-82958806443297224882009-07-19T20:17:00.000-07:002010-11-14T20:19:20.421-08:00It Figures...I posted this on my work blog, The Average Joe of the Banking World:<br />
<br />
The Bank is buying us lunch today... on the day that I am traveling to ANOTHER branch to help out. Nice kick in the pants.<br />
<br />
The perfect end to a perfect week: Monday, I broke up with my girlfriend. Tuesday, hurt my back lifting water bottle. Wednesday, woke up with a migraine. Thursday, had every idiot in Blue Point at my desk, and still had the migraine. Today, back still hurting, migraine still raging, having not slept much over the past week, I am now going to another branch to help because they are understaffed, a situation I can relate to because we are PERPETUALLY understaffed, and I miss out on free lunch. At least the weekend...<br />
<br />
Oh, that's right. I'm working tomorrow. JOY. :(<br />
<br />
Does anyone know what the American-On-A-Budget version of walkabout is?<br />
<br />
And my audience replied with...Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1299927538225208653.post-34120330643364158922009-07-15T20:15:00.000-07:002011-10-27T21:27:27.710-07:00Excitement Is BrewingOur remodeling is only weeks away, I'm told. Very exciting stuff. We'll be getting a vestibule, doors will be moving, windows painted, carpeting redone, new counters for the tellers... Can't wait!<br />
<br />
I'd LOVE to be part of the department that travels from branch to branch redesigning. But I think my themes and motifs wouldn't be well accepted. Abstract design doesn't seem to be something Fiscal United would be comfortable with. But can't you just see how awesome the branch would be with nine legged chairs and a melting clock that ran backwards?Average Joe of the Banking Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11286111488052513153noreply@blogger.com1