Closing Shop

So it's been seven months since my last post. I am officially no longer associated with Capital One Bank. I am no longer in banking, either, apparently. I had a series of interviews with Astoria Federal Savings Bank for four separate positions in four separate branches, and was told that for each position, I had been the top candidate, but that the positions had gone to employees of the bank transferring to new positions. I have heard nothing back from any other bank (save a disastrous (in my mind) phone interview with Citibank). I have applied to (including those in Capital One Bank) over 40 banking positions with no success. I have had no luck obtaining employment in any other field, either. Looking for a job is now my only job.

Despite the fact that I have a college education, an IQ that has tested over 130, and the kind of desperation that would keep me loyal to an employer for YEARS based solely on the desire to never have to file an unemployment claim again, I am, apparently, unemployable.

The glow on the horizon is that Stonybrook University has posted three openings that entice me greatly.

One is for a Part-time job as an Assistant Softball Coach. I was an assistant coach for five years at Southampton College, so I can do this. It doesn't pay as much as my old jobs, but it pays more than some of the jobs I have been forced to apply for already, and it is only part time.

The second one is for a Full-time job as an Assistant Softball Coach. Just like the other one, but with more THERE-ness! It pays more than any other job I have ever had, and that excites me greatly. The concept of being involved with collegiate athletics again is one that fills me with great hope.

The third one is as an Administrative Assistant for the Marine Biology building in Southampton. My second home! It would be great to get back to that campus, even under its new management, and I served as an Administrative Assistant there for a year in 2004-2005, so I know it is a job I can do.

So I do have hope that I will soon be in a job that I love.

But for now, I remain exhausted and in pain, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, ruined by a company that I gave six years of my life to and was thanked with a faulty handrail, 18 months of pain, and terrible uncertainty.


I don't sleep much. The heat of summer combined with the stress of unemployment and my lingering back pain keeps me up most nights. I see no point in maintaining a website that details the wacky hijinks of the banking world, because they no longer seem wacky. Or important. And I have been decidedly and thoroughly ushered out of that world against my will.

I thank you, readers (assuming there are any left) for listening. I wish you all better luck than I have had, and greater rest than I have known. Thanks for stopping by.

Bye!

Kenn

The Big Reveal

As most of you already know, I'm Kenn Beck. As fewer of you already know, I'm also known as "The Average Joe of the Banking World."

And Fiscal United Bank?

That's Capital One Bank.

So every time you read a page of this blog and think "Wow, Fiscal United Bank sounds like a fucking nightmare," realize you're talking about Capital One Bank.

In addition to all the posts you've read here, Capital One Bank has completely destroyed my 2012. I was poised to make 2012 my year, and through a series of events entirely out of my control, I am now unemployed, flat broke, in constant pain, and unable to buy Christmas presents for the people I care about. I have still yet to receive any official explanation to any of the following questions:

1.) Why was I passed up for several jobs that were posted on the company's job opportunity page without an interview?

2.) Why was the Department of Labor informed that I quit my job in March?

3.) Where did my missing vacation time go, and why was I told that I would only lose one week of it?

4.) Why were they unable to find a position for one of the top Lead Tellers in the entire district, one who had been told by every level of management that spoke to him that he was doing a great job, and one who was hurt due to the negligence of his employer and was doing everything in his power to simply return to work, rather than contacting a lawyer the first day and attempting to sue them into oblivion?

So a great big FUCK YOU to Capital One Bank.

Any Capital One Bank Employees who wish to post here with their horror stories are free to do so. Any Capital One Bank Employees who wish to post here trying to defend the company as a good place to work, you are ALSO free to do so, but just realize that I am replete with holy fire and will just make you look like the foolish ass-licking company dog that you are, because not ONE SINGLE PERSON I HAVE EVER SPOKEN TO PERSONALLY HAS ADMITTED THEY LIKE WORKING FOR CAPITAL ONE BANK.

Keep your eyes peeled for more updates. This site has now become my personal soap box to post anything Capital One Bank does to embarrass itself.

It's all true, by the way. None of this is fabricated.

The Big Update

It has been almost two years since the Average Joe of the Banking World has posted to this blog, but forgive me, dear hypothetical reader, there's a reason for that. The best way to boil this down is to do a quick recap via a timeline-like format: 

November, 2010: Our best teller accepts an offer from another branch to become their Lead Teller. She is slated to transfer in December. 

December, 2010: Our Lead Teller informs our management team that she is resigning, effective in two weeks. As our best teller, the most logical successor, is already committed to another branch, we are left with no Lead Teller. Our best teller stays far longer than her new branch would have preferred while the management team searches for a replacement. Seeing the writing on the wall in regards to my own position being downsized, I decide I am the most logical candidate for the Lead Teller position. My Manager and District Manager claim simultaneous epiphany on the same conclusion, proving once again that no one can simply say "good idea." 

January, 2011: I take over as Lead Teller for the branch. 

All of 2011: I rock that shit. Our Branch Annual Review score goes up from a barely passing grade to a 95.4. Tellers are responsible for exactly zero points deducted. Under the reign of King (Average) Joe the Benevolent, tellers excel at meeting their incentive goals, moral soars, Blue Point becomes the hub of banking civilization. I am told by my customers that I run an efficient ship,  and that they have complete faith in my leadership. I am told by my teller staff that they like working with me. I am told on several occasions by my fellow Lead Tellers that I am considered a leader among them. I am told by management that I have found my groove. Somewhere in this time period, I inform the manager that the handrail on the staircase is a little jiggly, and that maintenance needs to fix it. 

Late January: Mid February 2012: One of my tellers leaves for his dream job of becoming a NYC Police Officer. Then another leaves for an accounting job. Then another leaves to teach. 

Late February: Having to deal with the stress of finding replacement tellers and operating at a constant short staff is wearing thin. 

February 29, 2012: After a brief discussion with my assistant manager in our basement-level break room, I am heading back up the stairs when the handrail pulls out of the wall and I fall forward onto the stairs, re-injuring my back. I am driven to the hospital after the pain does not go away, and in fact, gets worse. The x-rays show no fractures of any kind, no damage to disks. It is diagnosed as a severe muscle sprain. 

Early March, 2012: I begin collecting Worker's Compensation and begin going to physical therapy. Over the course of my treatment, I try massage, electro-stim, chiropractic, physical therapy, heat, ice, anti-inflammatory drugs, injections, and acupuncture.

March 30, 2012: Somehow, Fiscal United Bank informs the Department of Labor that I have quit my job. This lie would not become apparent until much, much later.

May, 2012: After the required twelve week waiting period, Fiscal United Bank begins searching for my replacement while I continue therapy. I am assured that of the five weeks of vacation time I am due, only one of them will be subsumed by my medical leave.

Late August, 2012: After months of painful treatment, my back muscles are still in a state of near-constant spasm, but my pain levels have decreased to the point where I am cleared to work with medical restrictions in place (limited standing, limited lifting).

September, 2012: I am informed that beginning September 1, 2012, I have sixty days to find a position within the bank or my employment will be terminated. Time sheets are submitted on my behalf, as I am now being paid by the bank once again. I apply to nine different branches.

Mid-September, 2012: My first paycheck since my return is pillaged by Fidelity Investments for repayment of loans against my 401K. I am left with $12. It is revealed that this was done in error, and would be fixed by the next paycheck. I apply to several other positions, having heard back from exactly NONE of the original branches, and learning that our computer system only allows candidates to be considered for one position at a time. I correspond with my regional recruiter, explaining my situation, and she agrees to informally send my resume to other branches that I have applied to.

Late-September, 2012: Despite the fact that I am still in constant pain, and desperate to change my luck, I request to be, and am, cleared to work without restrictions. I grow more and more curious at how someone who has been told repeatedly how valuable they are to the company has been passed up for several positions that have been posted as available.

October 25, 2012: I finally get an interview for one of the positions I applied for, in my old college town of Southampton. The interviewing manager is one of my former co-workers from my very first branch, and the interview goes well.

October 26, 2012: I am informed via email that I am being passed up for the position in Southampton. I am also contacted by the manager of the branch in my hometown of Manorville, requesting an interview that day. Despite the short notice, I of course head over there immediately. The interview goes relatively well, I feel.

October 29, 2012: I am told the Manorville manager has a few more candidates to interview, but that I should hear back from her within a week. Hurricane Sandy hits Long Island.

October 30, 2012: My sixty day window to find a position expires. 

November 1, 2012: As I am still being considered for one last position, I am officially placed on unpaid leave, and advised by HR that I can apply for unemployment while on unpaid leave. I am also informed that the branch is closed because of the hurricane, and it is unknown when it will be re-opening.

November 12, 2012: I contact my recruiter and HR to “check-in” regarding the Manorville position. I am informed that the manager is on vacation, and she won’t be making her decision until next week.

November 29, 2012: I contact my recruiter once again to “check-in.” I am informed via a one-sentence response that she has decided to go with another candidate. No further information, responses or contact have been offered by the recruiter TO THIS DAY.

November 30, 2012: I receive a letter from the department of Labor that my unemployment benefits have been suspended due to the fact that they have they received information that I “may have quit my job with [Fiscal United] Bank on 03/30/2012.” Enraged, I fire off an email to my recruiter, my former manager, and my HR contact informing them of this oversight, and ask that they render whatever assistance is necessary to clear it up as soon as possible. I request clarification about my official status, so I can go about closing my 401K, applying for other jobs, claiming my personal effects from the Blue Point Branch, and receive compensation for the remaining four weeks of vacation time I am owed. I also inquire as to what severance I am due because of my involuntary termination.

December 1, 2012: I am officially terminated. So far, no lawyers I have contacted have called me back.

December 5, 2012: I am informed that I will not be eligible for severance due to the fact that my position was not eliminated, it was “back-filled.”

December 12, 2012: I am informed by Fidelity Investments that I cannot close out my 401K because I am still employed by Fiscal United Bank, and that there is a mandatory 30 day wait period from date of termination for an employee to receive a payout of their 401K. I contact HR to find out about what can be done to correct this additional oversight. I am informed by HR that I do not have any vacation time left, as the medical leave absorbed all but one week of it, and that I had used that week before being injured.

December 13, 2012: I am informed by my HR contact that she has taken steps to expedite the release of my 401K. I am informed by Fidelity Investments employee Michael Itzo that the transaction did not go through because of the mandatory 30-day wait period. My HR contact contacts Joe Chermesino and instructs him to assist in putting the transaction through. I am told by Michael Itzo that the transaction cannot go through on the current business day, so that it will happen the next day, and that he will contact me with the final figures. I am also told to expect the money to be deposited in my account on December 19, 2012.

December 19, 2012: Guess what?

December 20, 2012: I contact Fidelity Investments to inform them that they have failed to put the money in my account. I am told by Philip Thibault that it did not go through because there is a mandatory 30 day wait from day of termination to close my 401K. I contact HR, and they contact Fidelity. I am assured by Philip Thibault that the problem has been resolved, and that they are shipping the check to me next day free of charge, and that I should look for it by courier on Saturday, December 22, 2012.

December 21, 2012: I receive a fucking survey from Fidelity Investments in the email asking how they did. I am too blinded by tears of laughter to answer it that morning. I cancel plans for the following day to wait at home for my check to be delivered so I can then deposit it and do some late evening shopping for Christmas presents.

December 22, 2012: Guess what?

December 23, 2012: Today. I am unable to shop for Christmas presents due to check being conspicuously absent. I now have to cancel plans for tomorrow, Christmas-Fucking-Eve, so I can sit by my door and wait for a package that according to the UPS website, HAS NOT EVEN BEEN PICKED UP YET.

So yeah, you’re up to speed. My time with Fiscal United Bank is over. Which leads me to my next post…

This Just In:

I just learned from the tellers that they have been discouraged from talking to clients about our savings accounts because Fiscal United Bank is losing too much money. They want the clients to put their money into the non-interest bearing accounts instead. There is a corresponding drop in the rate on our best savings account.

Just when I think Fiscal United Bank could not be more evil, they come up with new ways to surprise me.

We're On A Road To Nowhere

Fiscal United's Unabashed Genius Department is at it again. We've each been tasked to set up our very own road-map to success! They want us to chart out how we plan on succeeding in the coming months and years to come!

So of course, my first item on the list is:

1. Find a new job.

That, of course, is not what they mean. They mean how am I planning on succeeding at Fiscal United Bank.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people.

That's still not right. They want me to explain how I plan on succeeding at the job I am currently doing. Well, SHIT. I'm not entirely sure that's even possible, given the byzantine logic by which the company runs and abysmal morale it generates. But, despite what my manager Alice implies, I am a team player, so I will give this a decent shot.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons.

Oh, come on! This is impossible! Ninety percent of my day is filled with dealing with morons.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.

That will have to serve as a starting point. O.K., on to number two! Fiscal United, in typical fashion, has provided us an opportunity to set our own goals for success, provided they also encompass the goals that Fiscal United has set for us and nothing else. As such, they want to know what I will do to get to the arbitrarily set 751 incentive points it would take for me to get a bonus payout. So:

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.

What? It's true. I was placed on conduct memo for unprofessional behavior, sarcasm, brusqueness and foul language by a manager who routinely leaves work early to get to her son's hockey practice which is coached by her ex-husband, a man she routinely refers to as "fuck-face" in front of her staff. It just goes to show you, kids, you're only allowed to be unprofessional if the person you report to doesn't work in the same building as you.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.

Hey, you have to start meeting me half way on this. These are my goals, if I don't make them obtainable, I'm shooting myself in the foot, rather than allowing my employer to do it for me. Yes, I realize the branch benefits from my making my points as well, which is why I have always been trying in the first place. Really, all my effort is just so that everyone will shut the fuck up. The way everyone is screaming like raging harpies about these points, you'd think that all that stood between us and a dystopian apocalypse was the fragile bridge of points that RB's build every month. Still no good, eh?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.    

This is a perfectly legitimate goal! How else am I expected to foist products on clients who don't need them? How else am I expected to get a person with six cents to their name to open a savings account? How else am I supposed to convince a guy with $350,000 in the bank that he needs an overdraft line of credit?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.

I said openly. Fiscal United encourages us to get a client to use as many services as possible so that it is harder for them to break their relationship with us. You heard that right, they are relying on the fact that the customer will not want to deal with the hassle of changing over their direct deposit to overcome whatever other bullshit we throw at them. You want to see a banker squirm? Ask him why they call things like direct deposit, online bill pay and overdraft lines of credit "sticky services." HINT: It has nothing to do with the fact that our district managers jizz all over the place whenever we sign a customer up for one of them.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass time wasting questions about shit they should already know.

Because if I have to explain to my co-workers how to copy and paste one more fucking time, I am going to come into work with a samurai sword and flay them alive. For a guy that is always reminded by every level of management how replaceable he is, I sure see a lot of relieved faces when I come back from vacation and there are fifteen different fonts on the scheduling document. I guess because this is a work document, I need to be a little less acerbic?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence.

I occasionally get shit from my management team about asking too many questions. I needed to show more independent decision making abilities, I was told. So I can't ask how to roll someone's IRA over, something I was taught once three years ago and have used roughly once since, without being labelled functionally retarded, but if my assistant manager can't remember how to email an attachment, and if I tell her to go take some cyanide and do the gene pool a favor, suddenly I am a bad guy. Half the shit she's demanding I instruct her how to change the background colors on is shit she wouldn't have in the first place without me. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, don't "sleep under the very blanket of scheduling templates I provide, and then question the format in which I provide them!"

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.

Had to add "probably," because some of the people I have worked with are monumentally and debilitatingly stupid. Also changed dumb shits to people for the sake of making the Christmas Party as non-awkward as possible.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

Because people like hearing positive things. Wait, I'm being told I can't use negative terms like demon spawn from Hell when talking about Fiscal United Bank. Other banks, it's ok. But not when discussing my employer. They said they're pretty sure it was in the employment agreement I signed. While I challenge them to find where it specifically states I can't refer to Fiscal United as "demon spawn from Hell," I do want to finish this up soon, so rather than a prolonged legal battle with HR, I will relent.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

That should clear that up. Wait, I should probably put something positive in that statement, something that shows we're more than just NOT a demon spawn from Hell.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of.

That shit is airtight, yo. What? They still don't like that I'm using demon spawn from Hell, even though I am using it to refer to other banks? Geez, picky picky.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.

Oh, come on. You want sincerity? You want good feelings? Why the Hell are you reading this blog then? Fine, I will now say something about Fiscal United Bank that is nothing but nice.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Oh, right, I'm not allowed to lie.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Done! Wow, I feel more successful already!!!