I think it is shameful that Fiscal United Bank has made the "business decision" to stay open for a full day on Good Friday. The decisions to stay open on President's Day and Columbus Day are questionable enough, seeing as how the Fed is closed and we're just being paid to act as a well-manned night drop on those days. But now they're messing with religion.
Not that I am a deeply devout follower. I am as lapsed as my gym membership. But there are many working in the branches who ARE devout, who are pretty much being told that their beliefs aren't as important as the ability for Fiscal United Bank to collect three more hours of deposits (MOST of which won't even be credited to the client accounts until Monday ANYWAY because they are after three o'clock).
I offer a shameful wag of my finger at Fiscal United Bank.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Just Give Me Five Minutes Alone In The Tool Shed With The People From Marketing...
So we're being flooded with paperwork about the new Extreme Interest Savings Product that we Fiscal United Bank personnel are pushing starting tomorrow, as well as the Double Incentive Checking promotion beginning in June. Among the multiple type sizes, the text shoving and pixilated graphics, the spelling mistakes (spell check can't do everything, people), a few choice novelties struck me eye like a misfired rubber band at the security camera in the middle of the lobby.
One of the pages lists all of the materials we will be receiving to promote our Double Incentive Promotion to begin in May. Tower Motorized Circle, to augment the horrific eye sore- er, I mean the eye catching promotional monolith? Check. Brochures? Check. Window clings? Check. Then, on the last column, two pictures of Customizable Flyers with a giant DOUBLE INCENTIVE centered on the top. Just below the name, it states "Will not be shipped."
Well, thanks, Marketing. Why are they wasting space telling us what they will not be shipping us? What's next, a picture of Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura informing us that he will not be visiting our branches? A picture of Fiscal United Bank toasters that we won't be giving away if they open an account? How about a picture of the overtime we're no longer allowed to work?
This I found highly amusing. But what followed was disturbing, to the point that I wonder what secluded jungle that the chimps running our marketing department were recruited from.
Our branches are being described as having a "devastatingly local" feel. Does anyone else now feel like they're working in the epicenter of an earthquake? Devastatingly Local? Really? THAT'S what we're going with? REALLY?
Tip to marketing: Devastating is not a positive word. The only time I have used that word as a positive is when I told my ex-girlfriend she was devastatingly beautiful, implying that when I look at her, she is so beautiful it just wrecks me. But the fact that we have a local feel is NOT something that leaves our customers weak in the knees. It should inspire confidence, not make them feel like they are unearthing themselves after a tsunami just hit.
But Fiscal United Bank is rapidly climbing the ladder to become one of the leaders in Bizenglish speak. Seeing as how I am embracing the concept of being a team player, I'm going to help marketing out with a few more marketing terms they can use.
Fiscal United Bank: Abominably Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Horrifyingly Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Maliciously Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Right Up In Your Space, In Fact, Violently So!
Fiscal United Bank: So Local You'll File For A Restraining Order!
Fiscal United Bank: We're Pretty Much Hiding In Your Closet Watching You Sleep, And Occasionally We'll Tip Toe Out And Touch Your Hair, Just To Remind Us That You're Not Imaginary And Because We Like The Way It Feels, Because The New Conditioner You Use Makes It Feel So Silky And Smells Really Nice!
None of those are any more contrarian than Devastatingly Local. And don't worry, these are for free, because I know that putting in for overtime is now considered a criminal offense.
One of the pages lists all of the materials we will be receiving to promote our Double Incentive Promotion to begin in May. Tower Motorized Circle, to augment the horrific eye sore- er, I mean the eye catching promotional monolith? Check. Brochures? Check. Window clings? Check. Then, on the last column, two pictures of Customizable Flyers with a giant DOUBLE INCENTIVE centered on the top. Just below the name, it states "Will not be shipped."
Well, thanks, Marketing. Why are they wasting space telling us what they will not be shipping us? What's next, a picture of Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura informing us that he will not be visiting our branches? A picture of Fiscal United Bank toasters that we won't be giving away if they open an account? How about a picture of the overtime we're no longer allowed to work?
This I found highly amusing. But what followed was disturbing, to the point that I wonder what secluded jungle that the chimps running our marketing department were recruited from.
Our branches are being described as having a "devastatingly local" feel. Does anyone else now feel like they're working in the epicenter of an earthquake? Devastatingly Local? Really? THAT'S what we're going with? REALLY?
Tip to marketing: Devastating is not a positive word. The only time I have used that word as a positive is when I told my ex-girlfriend she was devastatingly beautiful, implying that when I look at her, she is so beautiful it just wrecks me. But the fact that we have a local feel is NOT something that leaves our customers weak in the knees. It should inspire confidence, not make them feel like they are unearthing themselves after a tsunami just hit.
But Fiscal United Bank is rapidly climbing the ladder to become one of the leaders in Bizenglish speak. Seeing as how I am embracing the concept of being a team player, I'm going to help marketing out with a few more marketing terms they can use.
Fiscal United Bank: Abominably Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Horrifyingly Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Maliciously Local!
Fiscal United Bank: Right Up In Your Space, In Fact, Violently So!
Fiscal United Bank: So Local You'll File For A Restraining Order!
Fiscal United Bank: We're Pretty Much Hiding In Your Closet Watching You Sleep, And Occasionally We'll Tip Toe Out And Touch Your Hair, Just To Remind Us That You're Not Imaginary And Because We Like The Way It Feels, Because The New Conditioner You Use Makes It Feel So Silky And Smells Really Nice!
None of those are any more contrarian than Devastatingly Local. And don't worry, these are for free, because I know that putting in for overtime is now considered a criminal offense.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Did You Ever Have One Of Those Days?
The type of day where nothing goes right? Nothing catastrophic happens, but everytime there is a variable, it comes up negative? Where every yes or no question is answered with a no, everything takes way too long, the odds all stack up against you, and nothing is good enough the first time?
That was yesterday for me. Not one single win all day long. And today started with me misreading the schedule and showing up for work 90 minutes late. So I'm taking a shorter lunch for the chance to still leave at 5.
Auspicious start to the week.
That was yesterday for me. Not one single win all day long. And today started with me misreading the schedule and showing up for work 90 minutes late. So I'm taking a shorter lunch for the chance to still leave at 5.
Auspicious start to the week.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Clients Say The Craziest Things
I recently spent a week behind the teller line, as one of our tellers went on vacation and Fiscal United Bank's outright refusal to allow anyone to get any sort of overtime anymore has left us perpetually scrambling to fill out the hours without leaving the bank unmanned. (That teller has had his ankles broken since then to prevent any further leaving of the bank.)
It reminded me why I was so quick to accept a promotion out of the teller position without even fully understanding what a Client Service Representative does (they could have made me clean the roof, I wouldn't have known better; it was simply better than being a teller). Even though I deal with a lot of frustrating questions sitting behind my desk, the frustration of dealing with clients at the teller line makes me crazy.
Chief among my pet peeves is the stigma that the fifty dollar bill suffers from. Clients will often say "don't give me fifties, I always think they are twenties." I learned a trick a while ago that can help differentiate between fifties and twenties; there's numbers all over the front and back of the freakin' bill. Seriously, people, this is Darwinism at work. If you're too stupid to tell the difference between a fifty and a twenty, you can't read at a kindergarten level, and you deserve to be penniless.
There is a certain sort of malaise that sets in after three days of sitting behind the line. You start to forget how to do things that you do every day behind the desk. Eventually, you grow comfortable referring people to the desk for help that you know you yourself would normally be able to do.
I am grateful to be back behind my desk (and so is my back; those chairs do NOTHING to help my chronic back injuries). Now I just have to remember what an IRA is...
It reminded me why I was so quick to accept a promotion out of the teller position without even fully understanding what a Client Service Representative does (they could have made me clean the roof, I wouldn't have known better; it was simply better than being a teller). Even though I deal with a lot of frustrating questions sitting behind my desk, the frustration of dealing with clients at the teller line makes me crazy.
Chief among my pet peeves is the stigma that the fifty dollar bill suffers from. Clients will often say "don't give me fifties, I always think they are twenties." I learned a trick a while ago that can help differentiate between fifties and twenties; there's numbers all over the front and back of the freakin' bill. Seriously, people, this is Darwinism at work. If you're too stupid to tell the difference between a fifty and a twenty, you can't read at a kindergarten level, and you deserve to be penniless.
There is a certain sort of malaise that sets in after three days of sitting behind the line. You start to forget how to do things that you do every day behind the desk. Eventually, you grow comfortable referring people to the desk for help that you know you yourself would normally be able to do.
I am grateful to be back behind my desk (and so is my back; those chairs do NOTHING to help my chronic back injuries). Now I just have to remember what an IRA is...
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