This Just In:

I just learned from the tellers that they have been discouraged from talking to clients about our savings accounts because Fiscal United Bank is losing too much money. They want the clients to put their money into the non-interest bearing accounts instead. There is a corresponding drop in the rate on our best savings account.

Just when I think Fiscal United Bank could not be more evil, they come up with new ways to surprise me.

We're On A Road To Nowhere

Fiscal United's Unabashed Genius Department is at it again. We've each been tasked to set up our very own road-map to success! They want us to chart out how we plan on succeeding in the coming months and years to come!

So of course, my first item on the list is:

1. Find a new job.

That, of course, is not what they mean. They mean how am I planning on succeeding at Fiscal United Bank.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people.

That's still not right. They want me to explain how I plan on succeeding at the job I am currently doing. Well, SHIT. I'm not entirely sure that's even possible, given the byzantine logic by which the company runs and abysmal morale it generates. But, despite what my manager Alice implies, I am a team player, so I will give this a decent shot.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons.

Oh, come on! This is impossible! Ninety percent of my day is filled with dealing with morons.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.

That will have to serve as a starting point. O.K., on to number two! Fiscal United, in typical fashion, has provided us an opportunity to set our own goals for success, provided they also encompass the goals that Fiscal United has set for us and nothing else. As such, they want to know what I will do to get to the arbitrarily set 751 incentive points it would take for me to get a bonus payout. So:

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.

What? It's true. I was placed on conduct memo for unprofessional behavior, sarcasm, brusqueness and foul language by a manager who routinely leaves work early to get to her son's hockey practice which is coached by her ex-husband, a man she routinely refers to as "fuck-face" in front of her staff. It just goes to show you, kids, you're only allowed to be unprofessional if the person you report to doesn't work in the same building as you.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.

Hey, you have to start meeting me half way on this. These are my goals, if I don't make them obtainable, I'm shooting myself in the foot, rather than allowing my employer to do it for me. Yes, I realize the branch benefits from my making my points as well, which is why I have always been trying in the first place. Really, all my effort is just so that everyone will shut the fuck up. The way everyone is screaming like raging harpies about these points, you'd think that all that stood between us and a dystopian apocalypse was the fragile bridge of points that RB's build every month. Still no good, eh?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.    

This is a perfectly legitimate goal! How else am I expected to foist products on clients who don't need them? How else am I expected to get a person with six cents to their name to open a savings account? How else am I supposed to convince a guy with $350,000 in the bank that he needs an overdraft line of credit?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.

I said openly. Fiscal United encourages us to get a client to use as many services as possible so that it is harder for them to break their relationship with us. You heard that right, they are relying on the fact that the customer will not want to deal with the hassle of changing over their direct deposit to overcome whatever other bullshit we throw at them. You want to see a banker squirm? Ask him why they call things like direct deposit, online bill pay and overdraft lines of credit "sticky services." HINT: It has nothing to do with the fact that our district managers jizz all over the place whenever we sign a customer up for one of them.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass time wasting questions about shit they should already know.

Because if I have to explain to my co-workers how to copy and paste one more fucking time, I am going to come into work with a samurai sword and flay them alive. For a guy that is always reminded by every level of management how replaceable he is, I sure see a lot of relieved faces when I come back from vacation and there are fifteen different fonts on the scheduling document. I guess because this is a work document, I need to be a little less acerbic?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence.

I occasionally get shit from my management team about asking too many questions. I needed to show more independent decision making abilities, I was told. So I can't ask how to roll someone's IRA over, something I was taught once three years ago and have used roughly once since, without being labelled functionally retarded, but if my assistant manager can't remember how to email an attachment, and if I tell her to go take some cyanide and do the gene pool a favor, suddenly I am a bad guy. Half the shit she's demanding I instruct her how to change the background colors on is shit she wouldn't have in the first place without me. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, don't "sleep under the very blanket of scheduling templates I provide, and then question the format in which I provide them!"

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.

Had to add "probably," because some of the people I have worked with are monumentally and debilitatingly stupid. Also changed dumb shits to people for the sake of making the Christmas Party as non-awkward as possible.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

Because people like hearing positive things. Wait, I'm being told I can't use negative terms like demon spawn from Hell when talking about Fiscal United Bank. Other banks, it's ok. But not when discussing my employer. They said they're pretty sure it was in the employment agreement I signed. While I challenge them to find where it specifically states I can't refer to Fiscal United as "demon spawn from Hell," I do want to finish this up soon, so rather than a prolonged legal battle with HR, I will relent.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

That should clear that up. Wait, I should probably put something positive in that statement, something that shows we're more than just NOT a demon spawn from Hell.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of.

That shit is airtight, yo. What? They still don't like that I'm using demon spawn from Hell, even though I am using it to refer to other banks? Geez, picky picky.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.

Oh, come on. You want sincerity? You want good feelings? Why the Hell are you reading this blog then? Fine, I will now say something about Fiscal United Bank that is nothing but nice.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Oh, right, I'm not allowed to lie.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Done! Wow, I feel more successful already!!!

Job Description

Banker /bæŋkə(r)/ (noun): someone who convinces the customer to give their money to the bank hoping the bank will make money for the customer, while knowing the bank hopes the customer spends money they don't have so the bank can make money off of them.

How Much Is A Soul Going For Now-A-Days?

I ask because I am currently selling mine for around $30K a year plus benefits, and I want to make sure I'm getting a good rate.

Is it wrong that whenever I get home from work that the only thing I want to do is strike people repeatedly in the face with a tack hammer until their cake hole stops moving? I feel like my entire day is spent wondering how I could possibly gone so wrong to end up in such a soul sucking position in life. The company I work for continually and repeatedly does the wrong thing on every level you could imagine. Every one I speak to tells me a different way to do my job, and many of them don't know how to do their job effectively. Whenever I feel like I am not qualified for my job, I am assured that I am doing well, yet every time I do feel like I've done my job well I get informed that it's not good enough.

I get told that whatever I thought I knew is apparently now wrong. When I complete my tasks quickly and efficiently, I get told that I'm not doing enough. When I take my time, I get told that I'm not doing my job right. I'm told that I need to curb myself, to suppress the thoughts and feelings that I have, while all around me, others complain freely and frequently. I get told I need to not care about my job so much, while all around me apathy and laziness run amok. I get told that I need to be more of a team player, while all around me, priorities are skewed. I get told to stop complaining, while all around me, discord and dissent hum like tracer bullets through the air. I get told I need to be cheerier, while all around me, threats of transfer, demotion, and termination waft like smoke, hanging over my shoulders like a shroud.

It's impossible to get straight answers, fast answers, or correct answers. I get ignored by our HR department when I have a good question, and answered when I ask what I perceive to be a silly question. When they DO contact me with answers to my silly questions, it's some of the dumbest illogic I've ever seen (like them telling me we are open on Christmas Day when clearly, we are not). I'm constantly told one thing, and then hit with another. I can not bring myself to trust anyone, because no matter what I'm told, it ends up being steamrolled under by a new truth the minute it's decided the old truth is no longer convenient. When I do decide to do something selfless, I don't complain about the pain it may cause, because I did it to myself for what I thought was a good cause. But when I DO complain about tasks that cause me pain, I get told I'm "selective" about what hurts.

Pain doesn't matter. Organization does not matter. Keeping a schedule does not matter. My opinion does not matter. My effort does not matter. My spirit does not matter. My complaints do not matter. My plans do not matter. My well being does not matter. My sanity does not matter. My comfort does not matter. All that matters is that I do what I'm told, when I'm told, and shut the hell up about it.

The only thing keeping me in the soul crushing vice of bitterness and hatred I am in right now is that I might not find another job. Not that I am unemployable; I feel like my employer would be foolish to get rid of me, and I hear it to be true from many sources. But people way more qualified than me are still looking for work. I have considered going back to being a custodian. Let me reiterate that; I hate my job SO much that I have considered, seriously and often, going back to a job where cleaning up puke with sawdust is a possible- and PROBABLE- task. If my back weren't in such a state of constant pain, I would likely have applied for that and any number of other physically demanding jobs already.

But I can't. My physical skills are hindered. My design skills are outdated. My phone skills are a matter for psychologists far wiser than anyone I work with to debate. And my people skills have been crushed to a fine talc by the oppressive weight of the hypocrisy of it all. So here I lie, trapped like a bug in sap.

I am waiting for a spark. For a thin glimmer of hope. I am one fat hypnotherapist away from being Peter Gibbons. I am one unscrupulous diagnosis from being Joe Banks.

With that, I leave you with Joe Banks as he leaves his own situation, in one of my favorite moments in movie history, and a moment I hope I can soon resonate with:

Joe quits

Blues Traveling

So in my work for Fiscal United Bank I have recently been shuttled back and forth between other branches, helping out when they have staffing issues (which is apparently more often than Mel Gibson has "telephone conversation recording" issues). There are two branches that I have been volleyballed back and forth between. One of them is about 10 minutes from my home branch, and one of them is about 10 minutes from my home.

This is just a small glimpse of what is wrong with Fiscal United. I get travel expenses when I work at another branch. What they do is reimburse me for mileage traveled to the branch in question. The catch is that they compute the mileage from my home branch.

I work 20 minutes from home, so when I go to the branch that is 10 minutes from my branch, I am actually traveling 30 minutes, and getting reimbursed for 10 worth of that in mileage, not time, or I would have perfected a route which took 10 times that long. Long story short: I work at the far branch, I get roughly $4.50.

Now, when I work at the near branch, I get mileage from my home branch. I get roughly $9 for traveling to this branch, even though it is technically less than half the distance from my house that my home branch is. I could seriously get to the near branch in less time than it would take to listen to the full version of In A Gadda Da Vida (I could probably beat out Metallica's "...And Justice For All" if I make it through the lone traffic light along the way).

POINT: The commute is good on the days I have to work at the near branch.

Now, I believe I have mentioned that Fiscal United has a bizarre incentive system that all of us bankers have to operate by. I recently met with our district manager who mentioned how very important it is to make our incentive points. I have been told that Fiscal United prides itself that we aren't into pushing products, we're all about focusing on the customer's needs, and in the same breath, I'm being told that I need to sell more product. After being told that I need to make my points, by hook or by crook, I'm now being shipped to two branches that make the Grand Canyon look like Grand Central Station. There is NO WAY that I will be able to make my points, because the two branches I have been sent to are slower than my home branch, which is slow.

Now, that's not to say I do nothing all day long. But in Blue Point, I am busy doing things that don't necessarily result in sales: re-pinning debit cards, ordering checks, reconciling check books, etc. These activities strengthen the customer's relationship with me, and therefore the bank, but technically, they do not generate income. According to Fiscal United, I am required to ask the seventy year old man with $100,000 if he wants to open another free checking account. According to Fiscal United, I am supposed to ask the nineteen year old girl going up to college if she needs a mortgage. According to Fiscal United, it's a good idea to ask a person with $300,000 if he wants to have overdraft protection. According to Fiscal United, I am obligated to ask the drunk derelict with thirty five cents in his account if he wants to meet with our financial advisors for a free analysis of his portfolio.

I quote Dennis DeYoung: "I'm not a robot without emotion." Shit, even a robot would know better.

So the near branch is having severe staffing issues. The four people who work on the platform have, within a one month span, all abandoned ship. They all moved on to other banks. Along with a great many OTHER employees in the company (gee, I wonder why). So I am starting to feel like the Titanic cello player playing "Nearer My God To Thee" while eyeing up that deck chair wondering how well it would float. This branch is slow with a capital SLOW. I have had lunch breaks with more human interaction than entire days there (and anyone who knows me knows I HATE talking to people on my break). So it is left to the staff filling in to explain to the client base that everyone they knew and interacted with is gone. So my conversations are trending towards ridiculous sound bytes like this:

"Yes, the Manager, Assistant Manager, the Full-Time Banker and Part-Time Banker all decided that they didn't want to work here anymore, all at roughly the same time. Would you like to put some more of your money in our vault?"

Not exactly, but you get my drift.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like money. And getting incentive payouts would be neat. But I refuse to do anything that's not going to help my clients just to help myself. One of my contemporaries came up with a highly ingenious (and highly immoral) solution to the pressure to reach her incentive goals; she convinced clients who were opening accounts with large deposits to open SEVERAL accounts with smaller deposits. Picture this: you go into a garbage pail store looking to buy a fifty-five gallon garbage can, and the salesman instead tries to convince you that eleven different five gallon buckets are actually the way to go. Yeah, it's down to that now.

Our bosses are constantly screaming for us to open two checking accounts a day. Even if people don't NEED them, we have to try to convince them that they should open them. Because if we don't, there will be trouble. Just shy of dropping bear traps out on the sidewalk and only releasing my prey if they promise to open up a checking account (I also offer antiseptic ointment and a sterile bandage if they pay two bills online), I'm at a loss to explain how we can accomplish this every day.

Even through all of this, I will STILL ASK if they would LIKE to open a checking account, or a savings account, or a debit card, or online bill pay, because shit, you never can tell. And I have convinced clients that were dead set against opening up savings accounts of the benefits of keeping their money with us. But if they say no, then the answer is, to me (and anyone even moderately sane), "no."

Which brings me back to the far branch. The manager there is, for lack of a better (and less indicative of psychosis) word, aggressive. I have, on more than one occasion, returned to my desk in the middle of helping a client who has already expressed vociferously their lack of desire to open a savings account, only to find this manager attempting to badger them into opening a savings account. To the point where the client was ready to walk out. And savings isn't even the product we're being nagged into pushing. She is constantly pressuring. A client came in to ask for a bank check, she had me ask them to open a business checking account, even though they already had an established business account in another bank. The client was perturbed by these efforts. He was not alone. On top of all this, it's so slow at this branch that on days where I was the only account opening entity, I actually earned LESS points than I do on an average day at my home branch.

POINT: I don't like working at the far branch.

There are rumors circling like vultures on a warm savannah updraft about Bankers who are being transferred against their will if their branch is not consistently making their points. My branch is featured in one of those rumors, and me being the junior banker, I'd likely be the one getting the relocationary boot. I've been advised by contemporaries to find a good branch before they transfer me to a bad branch. So it seems that I can do nothing right, because I have failed to reach their arbitrary incentive goal (which, honestly, why call it "incentive" goals when it's more like "forced death march" prevention?) and they're reprimanding me for not selling more product to people who clearly don't need it, yet now I am likely being transferred to another branch where I am that much more certain to never meet the incentive goals?

I'll take "Self Defeating Plans" for $400, Alex.

So I naturally went online to put in a request to post for an open position at the near branch. Except there are no positions listed. It's as if they'd prefer to leave it drifting, a ghost branch, haunting the back roads of the Eastern End of Long Island. Instead, I sent an email to my district manager requesting that, if I was to be transferred, as the rumors suggest, that I be sent to the near branch, as it is a better situation for me. I have yet to hear back, although I was, coincidentally enough, intercepted on the way home from the far branch via text message and ordered to report to the near branch for three days of assistance.

So, if Fiscal United continues on as they have, I will be transferred to another branch, fail to make my incentive goals yet again, and eventually be terminated (occupationally, not literally, I don't think they have that kind of authority... yet). Then they will have to transfer some other poor schmuck to the depths of Hell, and then fire him.

Are they curious, I wonder, why people are leaving in large numbers for other banks?

More importantly, does anyone know "Song d'Automne" arranged for a slightly damp cello?

Maybe We Can Date A Bit First?

OK, so I am a firm believer that good deeds get rewarded. Maybe not right away, but somewhere down the line, it gets back to you, or as an intelligent co-worker who only occasionally says the silliest things once said, "it gets paid in reverse, you know, the opposite of paid forward?" Some may pronounce that "paid back," but I digress.

I pulled into work and emerged from my jeep, locking the doors and heading towards the building. A derelict looking dude walking in the opposite direction says "hey," to me, so I look over.

"You got a quarter?" he asked.

Now, I've heard this scam a thousand times if I've heard it once. 'I'm short on gas, and I don't get paid until tomorrow,' they say, or 'I haven't eaten in two days,' or 'I'm trying to get home to see my kid.' This guy was likely just seeing if he could get lucky by hitting random saps with a simple question.

I turned and went back to my jeep. Sensing my intentions, the man shifted gears. "I'm just trying to get seventy five cents, I've been up and down this street all morning, I just need a break." I reached into the large travel mug I keep in the cup holder and grabbed for whatever change my hand found. I came out with $1.25 in quarters and a few pennies. I'm not gonna miss it. If it makes someone else's day, might as well, right?

"Here you go," I say, handing him all the change. The pleasant surprise on his face was classic.

"Thanks," he said smiling.

"Have a good day," I say, locking my jeep again.

"You have a better one," he countered.

"Thanks," I answer, turning to walk back to the bank.

"Hey, are you married?" he asks.

"Nope," I reply.

His face loses some of it's glee. Clearly he was hoping for a yes. "Got a girlfriend?"

"Nope," I reply.

Again, you could see this man was confounded a bit. "Well," he finally said after a second or two of contemplation, "I hope you meet one tonight that blows the shit out of you."

So I got THAT going for me. The homeless grifter of Blue Point is praying for my (oral) sex life. What else could a man need to succeed in the world?

Define Irony:

We have a gateway into our intranet that is called SSO (Single Sign On). It is designed to allow access to all of our systems with one sign-in.

We have to sign into it twice.