This Just In:

I just learned from the tellers that they have been discouraged from talking to clients about our savings accounts because Fiscal United Bank is losing too much money. They want the clients to put their money into the non-interest bearing accounts instead. There is a corresponding drop in the rate on our best savings account.

Just when I think Fiscal United Bank could not be more evil, they come up with new ways to surprise me.

We're On A Road To Nowhere

Fiscal United's Unabashed Genius Department is at it again. We've each been tasked to set up our very own road-map to success! They want us to chart out how we plan on succeeding in the coming months and years to come!

So of course, my first item on the list is:

1. Find a new job.

That, of course, is not what they mean. They mean how am I planning on succeeding at Fiscal United Bank.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people.

That's still not right. They want me to explain how I plan on succeeding at the job I am currently doing. Well, SHIT. I'm not entirely sure that's even possible, given the byzantine logic by which the company runs and abysmal morale it generates. But, despite what my manager Alice implies, I am a team player, so I will give this a decent shot.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons.

Oh, come on! This is impossible! Ninety percent of my day is filled with dealing with morons.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.

That will have to serve as a starting point. O.K., on to number two! Fiscal United, in typical fashion, has provided us an opportunity to set our own goals for success, provided they also encompass the goals that Fiscal United has set for us and nothing else. As such, they want to know what I will do to get to the arbitrarily set 751 incentive points it would take for me to get a bonus payout. So:

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo.

What? It's true. I was placed on conduct memo for unprofessional behavior, sarcasm, brusqueness and foul language by a manager who routinely leaves work early to get to her son's hockey practice which is coached by her ex-husband, a man she routinely refers to as "fuck-face" in front of her staff. It just goes to show you, kids, you're only allowed to be unprofessional if the person you report to doesn't work in the same building as you.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort.

Hey, you have to start meeting me half way on this. These are my goals, if I don't make them obtainable, I'm shooting myself in the foot, rather than allowing my employer to do it for me. Yes, I realize the branch benefits from my making my points as well, which is why I have always been trying in the first place. Really, all my effort is just so that everyone will shut the fuck up. The way everyone is screaming like raging harpies about these points, you'd think that all that stood between us and a dystopian apocalypse was the fragile bridge of points that RB's build every month. Still no good, eh?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force.    

This is a perfectly legitimate goal! How else am I expected to foist products on clients who don't need them? How else am I expected to get a person with six cents to their name to open a savings account? How else am I supposed to convince a guy with $350,000 in the bank that he needs an overdraft line of credit?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.

I said openly. Fiscal United encourages us to get a client to use as many services as possible so that it is harder for them to break their relationship with us. You heard that right, they are relying on the fact that the customer will not want to deal with the hassle of changing over their direct deposit to overcome whatever other bullshit we throw at them. You want to see a banker squirm? Ask him why they call things like direct deposit, online bill pay and overdraft lines of credit "sticky services." HINT: It has nothing to do with the fact that our district managers jizz all over the place whenever we sign a customer up for one of them.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass time wasting questions about shit they should already know.

Because if I have to explain to my co-workers how to copy and paste one more fucking time, I am going to come into work with a samurai sword and flay them alive. For a guy that is always reminded by every level of management how replaceable he is, I sure see a lot of relieved faces when I come back from vacation and there are fifteen different fonts on the scheduling document. I guess because this is a work document, I need to be a little less acerbic?

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of the chowderheaded dumb shits I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence.

I occasionally get shit from my management team about asking too many questions. I needed to show more independent decision making abilities, I was told. So I can't ask how to roll someone's IRA over, something I was taught once three years ago and have used roughly once since, without being labelled functionally retarded, but if my assistant manager can't remember how to email an attachment, and if I tell her to go take some cyanide and do the gene pool a favor, suddenly I am a bad guy. Half the shit she's demanding I instruct her how to change the background colors on is shit she wouldn't have in the first place without me. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson's Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, don't "sleep under the very blanket of scheduling templates I provide, and then question the format in which I provide them!"

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.

Had to add "probably," because some of the people I have worked with are monumentally and debilitatingly stupid. Also changed dumb shits to people for the sake of making the Christmas Party as non-awkward as possible.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

Because people like hearing positive things. Wait, I'm being told I can't use negative terms like demon spawn from Hell when talking about Fiscal United Bank. Other banks, it's ok. But not when discussing my employer. They said they're pretty sure it was in the employment agreement I signed. While I challenge them to find where it specifically states I can't refer to Fiscal United as "demon spawn from Hell," I do want to finish this up soon, so rather than a prolonged legal battle with HR, I will relent.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are.

That should clear that up. Wait, I should probably put something positive in that statement, something that shows we're more than just NOT a demon spawn from Hell.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of.

That shit is airtight, yo. What? They still don't like that I'm using demon spawn from Hell, even though I am using it to refer to other banks? Geez, picky picky.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.

Oh, come on. You want sincerity? You want good feelings? Why the Hell are you reading this blog then? Fine, I will now say something about Fiscal United Bank that is nothing but nice.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Oh, right, I'm not allowed to lie.

1. Find a new job.  Find a new job within Fiscal United Bank that doesn't involve dealing with people. morons. Find a way to not slaughter the hapless morons who make all the decisions that are currently making my life a living Dantean Hell.
2. I do not get bonus payouts at this time, as I am on conduct memo. Continue to try my best to get the arbitrarily set 751 points a month, even though I will receive no tangible benefit from it, and I have never come close to making it before even with maximum effort. by any means necessary. Even if it means use of force. without openly deceiving the client into signing up for things that they don't need and could potentially harm their financial well-being.
3. I will hold the hands of assist the chowderheaded dumb shits people I work with with all of their dumb-ass ignorant time wasting questions about shit they should already know things they could easily probably discover with any ambition towards self-improvement and even the slightest glimmer of ape-like intelligence themselves.
4. I will tell everyone I know that Fiscal United Bank is a demon spawn from the depths of Hell, but not as bad as the demon spawn from Hell that other banks are, and they have has never maliciously murdered orphans that we know of in a manner that can be traced back to them.
5. I will make sure that no matter what, Fiscal United always puts the needs of the customer first.

Done! Wow, I feel more successful already!!!