Jane Sykes, Chapter Six: In Which We Learn To Keep Our Backs To The Wall At All Times

There are moments in everyone’s life that could be in a movie, no editing needed, presented as real as if it were actually happening, that audiences would eat up with a knife and fork. Some people have maybe a pair of these moments in their entire life, some people are pretty much Forrest Gump.

I am more of a Forrest Gump type. This is one of my moments.

RB: “Thank you for calling Fiscal United Bank, this is your Relationship Banker speaking, how can I help you?”

JS: “Yes, this is Jane Sykes, I have several accounts in your institution, and I always call and talk to you.”

RB: “Yes, of course, how can I help you?”

JS: “What’s the number of the insurance place?”

RB: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what insurance place you’re talking about. Let-”

JS (interrupting, nearly shouting in a slow, garbled choke): LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW!

RB (eyes wide, slowly turning, screeching horror music playing in my head, expecting to see a hideous apparition of Jane Sykes floating outside my window with a butcher knife): “Um…” (seeing the window with the insurance place’s number printed on it across the street ) “Oh. 555-3262.”

JS: “Thank you, darling.” CLICK

Coming soon to a theatre near you.

Hello Valued Customers!

Hello Valued Customers! It is our pleasure to help you! Please follow the guidelines listed below to make our time together as efficient and smooth as possible!

A.) Have your money COUNTED when trying to open an account with a $4,000+ wad of mixed bills;

B.) If you actually just bring in a wad of uncounted bills, kindly hand them over to the banker for counting, rather than counting the bills one at a time while they are still rubber banded;

C.) Have said wad of bills separated into denomination rather than crammed together in a roll in no discernable order;

D.) Tell the nice banker trying to open your account the TRUTH when it comes to how much you're depositing for the opening deposit, instead of just inventing a number;

E.) Please stay at the desk while someone is spending their valuable time helping you, don't wander into the parking lot;

F.) "Sign here" means "sign here," not "stare blankly at the form before ignoring it completely and moving on to another piece of business";

G.) If you hear the phrase "supposed to go to lunch," uttered by the employee or anyone talking to the employee in question, it's alwasy a good idea to keep it brief;

And H.) Don't, above all else, then imply to the person who is helping you that the only reason you opened the account is because you assumed you could use it to circumvent tax law by shifting money from your business account to your personal account (Just a pointer).

These little tips should keep us all smiling! Thanks, and have a Zero Problems kinda day!

Mum's The Word

Seeing as how the entirety of Western Civilization was falling because of the contents of my work blog (a.k.a. HR got their panties in a bunch because they are too thin skinned to accept a little parody), I decided to call it a wrap on the Average Joe. Here's what the post said:

"Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback. However, some people have found my posts to be somehow offensive. Seeing as how I had no idea that what I was posting could possibly be offensive, it becomes clear to me that I have not yet refined my senses enough to know what is considered offensive. Rather than run the risk of offending anyone else, I will simply doff my cap, take a small bow, and step quietly out of the blogosphere. All my best, folks!"

And here's how my audience responded...

GAIN and GROWTH, Day One

So I've ALREADY screwed up.

The first day with the new G.A.I.N. model (heretofore de-acronymized to GAIN) and I've already botched things up. My first client, and I forgot to use the profiling sheet. I managed to fill it out after the fact, but I'm nervous now. I was okay with this last week, before we actually had to do it, but now, in crunch time, I'm folding like an origami laundromat holding a 2-7 offsuit.

Don't you hate that? I had all sorts of time to come up with questions during training, but I thought I had a handle on it. Now, I look at the sheet and I feel like I am missing the glasses that Nicholas Cage had in National Treasure. What are we supposed to put in the Greet box? That we greeted them? Yes? Check mark? What we said? How they responded?

Now that I feel like I am under a microscope, I am floundering.

Eh. I'm frazzled anyway these past few weeks. All I know is in 2 weeks, I am gone for a week long road trip to God knows where. Gonna Kerouac it for a few days.

The Time Travelers Product Review: You Save Checking

Greetings, denizens of yesteryear! I have traveled back from 21 days in the fantastic future to give you a glimpse of your destiny! I went into a branch and listened to customer feedback concerning your new You Save Checking product. Here's how it went down:

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Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "So if you're interested, let's just get a retinal scan,* and we can start opening the You Save Checking account."
*(By the way, not to give up too much, but there are BIG changes coming in the next week or so, people. BIG.)

Futuristic Customer: "Before we do that, let me get this straight: I spend $4.33, and you will take .25 from my checking and move it over to my savings?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Indeed."

Futuristic Customer: "So my account will be charged $4.58, and .25 of my money will be put into my savings."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Correct."

Futuristic Customer: "That sounds confusing. Don't other companies usually just round up to the nearest dollar?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Affirmative."

Futuristic Customer: "But you don't do that, it's just .25 every time?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes."

Futuristic Customer: "So what if that .25 will overdraw my account?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Then no transfers will happen that day."

Futuristic Customer: "None? They get done all at once? So even if I did 100 debit card purchases, if that 100th purchase would move .25 out of my account and cause an overdraft, then the first 99 transfers don't happen?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "They do not."

Futuristic Customer: "Then what's the... agh, never mind. (shakes head) So, the bank will match my transfers, right?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes, 100%."

Futuristic Customer: "That's awe-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "For the first four months."

Futuristic Customer: "Oh, well, that's-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "If it's a new account. If you convert your existing account, it's 10%."

Futuristic Customer: "New account? But I already-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And only up to 10 Bill Pays."

Futuristic Customer: "Alright, I get it, I get it! Still, the fact that you will match my transfers, and help me save towards the future, that's fantastic. Sign me up for a new account! This will serve as a great compliment to my Incredible Incentive Checking."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Clients can only have one premium account type each."

Futuristic Customer: "So I have to open a new account, a new number to memorize, to get the maximum benefits, but my existing account then loses it's ability to generate it's own benefits?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can convert an existing account."

Futuristic Customer: "But I lose 90% on my transfer matches for the first four months."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And you forfeit any incentive points already earned."


Futuristic Customer: "Forfeit- O.K., so converting the account is not going to happen. And if I open a new account, I have to cancel my Incentive Checking anyway."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Aye."*
*(In the future, we're prohibited from answering questions with the same answer more than once. Otherwise, it might appear impersonal.)

Futuristic Customer: "Is there any way I can keep my Incentives AND open a You Save account?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can have your wife open up the You Save account with her as the primary account holder."

Futuristic Customer: "I'm not married."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "How soon can you remedy that?"

Futuristic Customer: (shakes head) "Is there a Bank of Amexicanada* around here?"
*(BIG changes.)

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So you see, citizens of August 11th, 2009, the future is a fantastic place, full of mystery and wonder! Be ever vigilant, and keep your eyes to the skies!

This message brought to you by Fiscal United Bank, N.A., a division of Pepsi-Cola.*
*(BIIIIIG changes.)