Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Just Give Me Five Minutes Alone In The Tool Shed With The People From Marketing...

So we're being flooded with paperwork about the new Extreme Interest Savings Product that we Fiscal United Bank personnel are pushing starting tomorrow, as well as the Double Incentive Checking promotion beginning in June. Among the multiple type sizes, the text shoving and pixilated graphics, the spelling mistakes (spell check can't do everything, people), a few choice novelties struck me eye like a misfired rubber band at the security camera in the middle of the lobby.

One of the pages lists all of the materials we will be receiving to promote our Double Incentive Promotion to begin in May. Tower Motorized Circle, to augment the horrific eye sore- er, I mean the eye catching promotional monolith? Check. Brochures? Check. Window clings? Check. Then, on the last column, two pictures of Customizable Flyers with a giant DOUBLE INCENTIVE centered on the top. Just below the name, it states "Will not be shipped."

Well, thanks, Marketing. Why are they wasting space telling us what they will not be shipping us? What's next, a picture of Minnesota Governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura informing us that he will not be visiting our branches? A picture of Fiscal United Bank toasters that we won't be giving away if they open an account? How about a picture of the overtime we're no longer allowed to work?

This I found highly amusing. But what followed was disturbing, to the point that I wonder what secluded jungle that the chimps running our marketing department were recruited from.

Our branches are being described as having a "devastatingly local" feel. Does anyone else now feel like they're working in the epicenter of an earthquake? Devastatingly Local? Really? THAT'S what we're going with? REALLY?

Tip to marketing: Devastating is not a positive word. The only time I have used that word as a positive is when I told my ex-girlfriend she was devastatingly beautiful, implying that when I look at her, she is so beautiful it just wrecks me. But the fact that we have a local feel is NOT something that leaves our customers weak in the knees. It should inspire confidence, not make them feel like they are unearthing themselves after a tsunami just hit.

But Fiscal United Bank is rapidly climbing the ladder to become one of the leaders in Bizenglish speak. Seeing as how I am embracing the concept of being a team player, I'm going to help marketing out with a few more marketing terms they can use.

Fiscal United Bank: Abominably Local!

Fiscal United Bank: Horrifyingly Local!

Fiscal United Bank: Maliciously Local!

Fiscal United Bank: Right Up In Your Space, In Fact, Violently So!

Fiscal United Bank: So Local You'll File For A Restraining Order!

Fiscal United Bank: We're Pretty Much Hiding In Your Closet Watching You Sleep, And Occasionally We'll Tip Toe Out And Touch Your Hair, Just To Remind Us That You're Not Imaginary And Because We Like The Way It Feels, Because The New Conditioner You Use Makes It Feel So Silky And Smells Really Nice!

None of those are any more contrarian than Devastatingly Local. And don't worry, these are for free, because I know that putting in for overtime is now considered a criminal offense.

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