Friday, September 4, 2009

Jane Sykes, Chapter Six: In Which We Learn To Keep Our Backs To The Wall At All Times

There are moments in everyone’s life that could be in a movie, no editing needed, presented as real as if it were actually happening, that audiences would eat up with a knife and fork. Some people have maybe a pair of these moments in their entire life, some people are pretty much Forrest Gump.

I am more of a Forrest Gump type. This is one of my moments.

RB: “Thank you for calling Fiscal United Bank, this is your Relationship Banker speaking, how can I help you?”

JS: “Yes, this is Jane Sykes, I have several accounts in your institution, and I always call and talk to you.”

RB: “Yes, of course, how can I help you?”

JS: “What’s the number of the insurance place?”

RB: “I’m sorry, I don’t know what insurance place you’re talking about. Let-”

JS (interrupting, nearly shouting in a slow, garbled choke): LOOK OUT YOUR WINDOW!

RB (eyes wide, slowly turning, screeching horror music playing in my head, expecting to see a hideous apparition of Jane Sykes floating outside my window with a butcher knife): “Um…” (seeing the window with the insurance place’s number printed on it across the street ) “Oh. 555-3262.”

JS: “Thank you, darling.” CLICK

Coming soon to a theatre near you.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hello Valued Customers!

Hello Valued Customers! It is our pleasure to help you! Please follow the guidelines listed below to make our time together as efficient and smooth as possible!

A.) Have your money COUNTED when trying to open an account with a $4,000+ wad of mixed bills;

B.) If you actually just bring in a wad of uncounted bills, kindly hand them over to the banker for counting, rather than counting the bills one at a time while they are still rubber banded;

C.) Have said wad of bills separated into denomination rather than crammed together in a roll in no discernable order;

D.) Tell the nice banker trying to open your account the TRUTH when it comes to how much you're depositing for the opening deposit, instead of just inventing a number;

E.) Please stay at the desk while someone is spending their valuable time helping you, don't wander into the parking lot;

F.) "Sign here" means "sign here," not "stare blankly at the form before ignoring it completely and moving on to another piece of business";

G.) If you hear the phrase "supposed to go to lunch," uttered by the employee or anyone talking to the employee in question, it's alwasy a good idea to keep it brief;

And H.) Don't, above all else, then imply to the person who is helping you that the only reason you opened the account is because you assumed you could use it to circumvent tax law by shifting money from your business account to your personal account (Just a pointer).

These little tips should keep us all smiling! Thanks, and have a Zero Problems kinda day!