Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Mum's The Word

Seeing as how the entirety of Western Civilization was falling because of the contents of my work blog (a.k.a. HR got their panties in a bunch because they are too thin skinned to accept a little parody), I decided to call it a wrap on the Average Joe. Here's what the post said:

"Thanks to everyone for the positive feedback. However, some people have found my posts to be somehow offensive. Seeing as how I had no idea that what I was posting could possibly be offensive, it becomes clear to me that I have not yet refined my senses enough to know what is considered offensive. Rather than run the risk of offending anyone else, I will simply doff my cap, take a small bow, and step quietly out of the blogosphere. All my best, folks!"

And here's how my audience responded...

GAIN and GROWTH, Day One

So I've ALREADY screwed up.

The first day with the new G.A.I.N. model (heretofore de-acronymized to GAIN) and I've already botched things up. My first client, and I forgot to use the profiling sheet. I managed to fill it out after the fact, but I'm nervous now. I was okay with this last week, before we actually had to do it, but now, in crunch time, I'm folding like an origami laundromat holding a 2-7 offsuit.

Don't you hate that? I had all sorts of time to come up with questions during training, but I thought I had a handle on it. Now, I look at the sheet and I feel like I am missing the glasses that Nicholas Cage had in National Treasure. What are we supposed to put in the Greet box? That we greeted them? Yes? Check mark? What we said? How they responded?

Now that I feel like I am under a microscope, I am floundering.

Eh. I'm frazzled anyway these past few weeks. All I know is in 2 weeks, I am gone for a week long road trip to God knows where. Gonna Kerouac it for a few days.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Time Travelers Product Review: You Save Checking

Greetings, denizens of yesteryear! I have traveled back from 21 days in the fantastic future to give you a glimpse of your destiny! I went into a branch and listened to customer feedback concerning your new You Save Checking product. Here's how it went down:


Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "So if you're interested, let's just get a retinal scan,* and we can start opening the You Save Checking account."
*(By the way, not to give up too much, but there are BIG changes coming in the next week or so, people. BIG.)

Futuristic Customer: "Before we do that, let me get this straight: I spend $4.33, and you will take .25 from my checking and move it over to my savings?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Indeed."

Futuristic Customer: "So my account will be charged $4.58, and .25 of my money will be put into my savings."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Correct."

Futuristic Customer: "That sounds confusing. Don't other companies usually just round up to the nearest dollar?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Affirmative."

Futuristic Customer: "But you don't do that, it's just .25 every time?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes."

Futuristic Customer: "So what if that .25 will overdraw my account?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Then no transfers will happen that day."

Futuristic Customer: "None? They get done all at once? So even if I did 100 debit card purchases, if that 100th purchase would move .25 out of my account and cause an overdraft, then the first 99 transfers don't happen?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "They do not."

Futuristic Customer: "Then what's the... agh, never mind. (shakes head) So, the bank will match my transfers, right?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Yes, 100%."

Futuristic Customer: "That's awe-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "For the first four months."

Futuristic Customer: "Oh, well, that's-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "If it's a new account. If you convert your existing account, it's 10%."

Futuristic Customer: "New account? But I already-"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And only up to 10 Bill Pays."

Futuristic Customer: "Alright, I get it, I get it! Still, the fact that you will match my transfers, and help me save towards the future, that's fantastic. Sign me up for a new account! This will serve as a great compliment to my Incredible Incentive Checking."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Clients can only have one premium account type each."

Futuristic Customer: "So I have to open a new account, a new number to memorize, to get the maximum benefits, but my existing account then loses it's ability to generate it's own benefits?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can convert an existing account."

Futuristic Customer: "But I lose 90% on my transfer matches for the first four months."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "And you forfeit any incentive points already earned."

Futuristic Customer: "Forfeit- O.K., so converting the account is not going to happen. And if I open a new account, I have to cancel my Incentive Checking anyway."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "Aye."*
*(In the future, we're prohibited from answering questions with the same answer more than once. Otherwise, it might appear impersonal.)

Futuristic Customer: "Is there any way I can keep my Incentives AND open a You Save account?"

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "You can have your wife open up the You Save account with her as the primary account holder."

Futuristic Customer: "I'm not married."

Relationship Banker of Tomorrow: "How soon can you remedy that?"

Futuristic Customer: (shakes head) "Is there a Bank of Amexicanada* around here?"
*(BIG changes.)


So you see, citizens of August 11th, 2009, the future is a fantastic place, full of mystery and wonder! Be ever vigilant, and keep your eyes to the skies!

This message brought to you by Fiscal United Bank, N.A., a division of Pepsi-Cola.*
*(BIIIIIG changes.)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sale-ing... (Takes Me Away To Where I've Always Heard It Could)

Pardon the Chris Cross paraphrase (as opposed to Kris Kross (their music makes me wanna... Jump, Jump (off a building))) but sales are on my mind lately. We're closing in on the finish or our sales incentive drive. We need four more accounts to reach our goal, at which point we will receive $500 cold, hard cash. NICE.

I like money. That's not the reason I work for a bank (that story will be coming soon to a theatre near you: "Escape from Retail Shoe Sales!"). I just really like having money, it makes it much easier to get stuff.

I'm starting to get used to this GAIN stuff they're going to teach us. The hardest part is small talk. I can't just instantly pick a topic (they've told us to stop using the "how about this weather?" crutch) and run with it. My instinct is to just get to the point and ask "how can I help you today?" And I'm not getting much chance to practice small talk, because most fo the clients I've helped this week have led with "I need to open a checking account." When they jump right in, wouldn't it be best to go with it rather than try to divert them back to small talk?

So it's raining again, and I'm starting to think this entire summer will be a waste. We haven't had consistently nice weather yet this summer. What's with all the rain? I remember there being entire summers where it was nice and pleasant. Now, I can't remember three days in a row without some sort of inclement weather. And I'm getting a little bitter about it. It's part of the reason my former girlfriend is leaving the state (I feel funny calling her an ex when we're still friends).

After realizing I may have set a record for use of parenthesis in a single blog post (I mean, seriously) I think it's time to do some work. Hoping to get four more accounts today, as much as that will be a LOT of work, so we can stop worrying and start planning on how to spend our $500 (my money is going towards new tires for the Jeep).

Have a great day, fellow Fiscal Uniters!

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nerd Humor

My favorite nerd joke: There are 10 types of people in the world... the ones who understand binary, and the ones who don't.

Co-worker submissions:

Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25. (I think hexadecimal comes into play here, or something.)

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate!

What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium

What's the difference between Chemistry and cooking? In Chemistry, you should never lick the spoon.